Department of Health Reality TV Campaign a Disaster

Denver PR firm GroundFloor Media was chosen by the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment’s Office of Emergency Preparedness to develop and maintain a statewide media campaign geared towards educating residents of the C to the mother fucking O about influenza and disasters and all kinds of scary illmatic shiznit sho to make the script flip.

So that means they’ll be in charge of checking out all the one-minute videos spots submitted by people eager to reality-star-fuck themselves to local celebrity status by landing a spot in the What If House. As this helpful video explains, Colorado residents 18 or older must submit videos that should include their name, age and hometown and answer the question, “If you were faced with an emergency, what five items could you not live without?”

I was unable to record a video as the only tape I had in the old camcorder was an amateur porno I made to try to boost my image Dustin Diamond-style, and I didn’t want to record over it, but here’s what I would have said if I could afford another tape:

“If I were faced with an emergency I would need only one thing: a hobo. But my uses for him would be five-fold. First for company, second for rough sex and third for food. Delicious, fuck-pulverized hobo meat can sustain a man for upwards of 40 days. After his carcass had been mangled beyond recognition and there was no meat left on the bones, I would skin the hobo and use his thick, train-track pelt for warmth. Lastly, I would collect all twenty of his finger and toe nails and wear them as a beautiful necklace. That way, should any barbarous hordes left alive in the wake of disaster storm my compound, they would take note of my necklace and instantly recognize me as leader.” -- Adam Cayton-Holland

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Sean Cronin