In a post-mortem press conference following the trade of Nolan Arenado, the best Rockies player of all time, a reporter asked team owner Dick Monfort if he had thought about firing general manager Jeff Bridich.
"No, I have not thought about firing Jeff. I have thought about firing myself," Monfort responded.
Let's take Monfort up on that offer. Dick, it's time to not just fire yourself, but sell the team. With the help of angry fans on Twitter, we even came up with some suggestions for who should buy the Rockies:
If Colorado's governor ever wants to move his blue sneakers out of public office and into another arena, Coors Field is waiting.
Jared Polis absolutely loves baseball, and was heartbroken to see the All Star Rockies third baseman traded to the St. Louis Cardinals. "No, not Arenado!" Polis tweeted on January 29 after word of the looming trade broke. Aside from being a big Rockies fan, Polis also happens to be loaded — he's reportedly worth close to half a billion dollars — from his work on an electronic greeting-card website.
Make the Rockies great again, Governor!
Let's assume the Arenado trade was inevitable. What wasn't inevitable was the Rockies getting totally fleeced in the trade, which saw the team send its best player plus $50 million to the Cardinals in exchange for a few players who are relative scraps compared to Arenado.
Had he been owner at the time, Frank Azar would never have let that happen. Instead, the attorney would have flipped the trade upside down and asked for — and received — $50 million and a bunch of good players in exchange for Arenado. As owner, Azar could also wear two hats, intermittently serving as a "Strong Arm" in the bullpen for the Rockies, a team always on the hunt for better pitching talent.
The billionaire businessman who owns the Nuggets, Avalanche and Rapids ought to buy the Rockies for one reason: Fans wouldn't be able to watch the team anymore, which would be good for everyone's mental health. With the Altitude TV and Comcast dispute still leaving us in the dark, Stubborn Stan has shown an impressive ability to screw over fans of the teams he owns in Colorado.
And that's a shame, since the Nuggets and Avalanche are fielding great squads these days, with both favorites to make playoff runs. The Rockies, on the other hand, look like they'll be a middling franchise for years to come under the ownership of Tricky Dick, so we might as well have Stan Kroenke running things in the dark.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Since the Rockies are a joke of a franchise, why not have some fun with the team? As co-owners, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the legendary Colorado creators of South Park, could help ease the pain of Rockies fans through laughter. So long, Dinger; hello, Towelie!
But seriously, a purchase of the Rockies by these guys would be the best thing to happen to the franchise in its few decades of existence. Just imagine the costumes that fans would wear to games: Kyle, Stan and Cartman walking into the gates of Tegridy Farms Field, located next to Historic Kenny's House in SoDoSoPa. And post-game, fans could all strap on their chin diapers and trek over to Casa Bonita for some late-night grub.
In 2020, Palantir, an intelligence software company co-founded by billionaire venture capitalist Peter Thiel, relocated its headquarters from Silicon Valley to downtown Denver. The company contracts heavily with federal defense and intelligence agencies; economic development leaders viewed the move as a victory, while local immigrant advocates decried the company's ties to ICE.
And even though Palantir's stock continues to soar as the company revels in its new status as a publicly traded company, Thiel's true calling may be in baseball. "Think of the clandestine sign stealing the team can engage in!," one Twitter user suggested. It's not as though the secretive company would be unique in that regard; the Houston Astros have set the bar quite high.
This would be the ultimate "Fuck you" to ownership. The 29-year-old has plenty of years left to dominate in the big leagues, but whenever he's ready to hang up his cleats, it would be amazing if Arenado moved back to Colorado, bought the Rockies, and turned the team into a winning machine.
His ownership homecoming would be like the scene from Entourage when Ari Gold returns to the office, says, "I'm back and you're fired," and then proceeds to terminate offending employees by way of a paintball gun.
Have any other ideas for who should purchase the team? Post a comment.
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