Kudos to Sue Lindsay of the Rocky Mountain News for her brilliant article detailing the October 31 shenanigans involving Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, who received two guilty verdicts related to groping incidents at Colorado Mills mall last year. Lindsay's piece absolutely mopped the floor with the Denver Post's far less entertaining account even as it presented a compelling argument for cameras in the courtroom.
Here's how the Rocky narrative begins, with the profanities spelled out for the dash-phobic:
MTV star Vincent Margera collapsed in a Jefferson County courtroom Wednesday, sobbing and swearing as he heard his first guilty verdict for groping girls during a promotional appearance at the Colorado Mills Mall.
"Jesus! I can't spend the rest of my fucking life in jail! Just fucking kill me now!" he screamed as he hit the floor, knocking down defense attorney Pamela Mackey as he fell.
Four deputies rushed to Margera, 51, as he writhed on the floor.
"I can't stand up! My legs! My legs! I can't move," he yelled as deputies tried to calm and subdue him.
The second guilty verdict for sexual assault on a child triggered another episode of wailing with Margera still on the floor.
"I didn't fucking do nothing. You can rot in fucking hell," screamed Margera, who is better known as Don Vito in the MTV reality series Viva La Bam which stars his nephew, Bam Margera.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
"I can't move. I can't move," he shouted as deputies surrounded him and the astonished jury looked on.
Nice, right? But a telling detail lifted the narrative to the level of daily journalism genius:
Once he was gone, the only evidence of the pandemonium was a miniature Hershey's candy bar on the floor where Margera landed.
This is how it should be done, dear readers. To quote Emeril Lagasse, "Bam!" -- Michael Roberts