Long ago, before hippies like Al Gore co-opted it with their environmentalist liberal agenda, Earth Day was a time for honest, hard-working Americans like you and me to celebrate our dominance over the planet we call home, which, as everyone knows, was awarded to us by God pretty early on in the Bible.
With that in mind, here are five great ways to celebrate Earth Day this weekend without really doing anything other than what we would normally do except making it all easier, so we'll have more time for backgammon and big-game trophy hunting.
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5. Recycle all of your garbage With the typical busywork-mandating anti-logic of the vast liberal hyperconspiracy, recycling companies generally request that you sort your waste into components acceptable and not acceptable to the recycling company. But all it takes is a teaspoon of good old common sense to figure out that, if recycling something is good, recycling everything is better. So today, just toss it all in the recycling bin. And if you don't have a recycling bin, just dump it into someone else's! 4. Drive your car to work Most everyone knows that, just as animals breathe oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, plants do the same thing except in reverse, creating a beautiful feedback loop of breathable air. But did you also know that cars actually produce carbon dioxide just by running? That's right: Every time you turn on your car, you're creating air that plants can breathe -- you're actually helping a shitload of plants! And plants, as we all know, are good for the earth. 3. Drink soda -- not water Did you know that you're made of 98.6 percent water? Coincidentally, so is the Earth. But water is a precious resource, and we humans consume a lot of it. Today, try conserving water in the easiest way possible: by drinking a substance that is both not water and delicious! For penny-pinchers only: Colorado offers no rebate for the recycling of cans but many other states do, and they're too stupid to know you're not from there -- if you drive your cans to a different state, you can make up to $.05 a can off those suckers! The top 2 are on Page 2 2. Run the heat and/or air-conditioning Liberals like to complain that American's various implements of climate control, like heat and air-conditioning, are contributing to a phenomenon called "global warming" -- but what's so wrong about that? As anyone with a grain of sense can tell you, it's cold in the winter, which is why we need heat in the first place. So if using it actually increases the temperature of the earth, so much the better, right? Global warming? More like "global climate-control"! 1. Get your freak on -- marriage-style! The Earth gave us the gift of life, so it stands to reason that the best thing we can do in return is give it back. So call out the wife (or husband) and give her (or him) the old bangerang (for the purpose of procreation only). The more of us there are, the more of us there'll be to lend a helping hand.
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More from our Things to Do archive: "50 reasons we're glad we live in Denver and not the United States"