Stating for the record that he’s “offered the position to a well-qualified candidate,” Stapleton claimed last week that said candidate has already accepted. Guess we'd better pop the cork on that imaginary champagne.
But why would Stapleton not want to announce who the candidate is, assuming that it’s not just that he forgot to do it, thereby lying to cover up another violation of election law? Here are eight of our best guesses.
1. It’s a Surprise!
During the primary, Stapleton’s campaign very nearly derailed because of fraudulent signatures on ballot petitions, forcing him to miss the deadline and rely on winning enough delegate support at the Republican state assembly. Surprise! And then Stapleton won the GOP nomination anyway. Surprise again! And now: surprise times three! We’re just going to have to wait to hear about the awesome running mate until the time is right and Stapleton and his entire campaign staff jumps out from behind your couch and announces the second for the GOP ticket. If you pretend to be surprised, we all get cake sooner.
Walker’s totally real running mate wants to just keep it between them right now. They don’t think it would be a good idea for them to be seen in public just yet. Someone might see them and assume they’re together or something. Not that he or she is ashamed of being Stapleton’s running mate or anything. It's just not anyone's business...particularly not the voters of Colorado.
No, no…that group’s acronym stands for Kitty Kat Kingdom. It’s…a fan base for the Warriors books, set in a mythical and magical land of clans of violent kittens. The Stapleton family and its associates have a deep history of Kitty Kat Kingdom fandom; it goes back for generations, as an oral tradition in the Stapleton family before the books ever saw print in the early 2000s. There was cosplay and everything.
And ever since, Stapleton hasn’t had any way to contact them.