Eight Things that Make Highlands Ranch Residents Very, Very Mad

If you live in Highlands Ranch, which some locals lovingly refer to as “the HR,” you know that some things there can break your outwardly placid demeanor — which I hear you're required to adopt by the HOA agreement that you sign upon move-in. Sure, there are the usual irritants: broken-down appliances, which milk-delivery company to sign with, the eternal argument over how often you should re-string a tennis racquet. But the real stuff that sets HR pearly whites to grinding? According to a recent escapee from Highlands Ranch, these eight things are a good place to start:

8. Disrespect to Yoga Pants
Most people know that yoga pants have become something of a joke…but not in the HR. Yoga pants are like the uniform of female residents there, and for this reason, it makes sense that the wearers of said uniform would defend it proudly. Still, don’t get it twisted: They’re just yoga pants. They’re called yoga pants for a reason: because they’re pants designed for wear during yoga. Instead, they’re worn everywhere — to the library, to the park, to the corner Starbucks for a PSL in season. Make all the jokes you want about yoga pants, but not within earshot of a Highlands Ranch mom.

 7. Vehicle Break-Ins
There’s been a rash of thefts from parked cars, not just in Highlands Ranch, but also nearby areas (Parker, etc.). It’s both disturbing and understandable: Thieves go to wealthier neighborhoods, where they know people park on the streets or in driveways, so that they can easily break into the vehicles and steal what they can — and then come back for more once insurance has paid out to replace everything. One current resident of the HR reports that his car has been broken into four times in the last eighteen months, with the stereo stolen along with all the CDs and whatnot. Which is not only shocking, but prompts the question: People still use CDs?

6. Outdoor Pools That Close Too Early
The kids need to place to goooooooooo. As in: NOT IN THE HOUSE ANYMORE.

5. Dying Aspens
Aspens have a short lifespan in the general sense, but especially (and notoriously) in Highlands Ranch. If you happen to be the unlucky buyer of an almost-twenty-year-old home? Expect to lose your beautiful aspens right quick. On the bright side, you can complain to your neighbors, who will then regale you with their own fascinating aspen-replacement stories. And they will seem fascinating, as any story told in the HR that doesn’t begin with “Did I tell you what (son/daughter) did/said last week?” is sincerely enthralling.

Keep reading for four more things that make Highlands Ranch residents very, very mad.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen