Forest Whitaker Trains Denverites in the Way of the Caucuses, Samurai

I’m a walking Obama schwag-pack right now. If you punched me in the stomach, I’d spit up a sheet of red, white and blue, “Standing with Obama,” stickers. If you grabbed me by my New Balances and shook me upside down, dozens of Obama buttons would fall out, much to the delight of the shrieking children who would scamper out from nowhere, retrieve said buttons, and then dart back from whence they came, scurrying off into dark alleyways and beneath manhole covers. Someone should look after those children you would then say and I would tell you about how Obama’s education plan urges early care and education for infants, so that they’re ready for kindergarten and don’t get left behind to live in the sewer, eating whatever political buttons they come across. Then I would spew talking points like how, while both in the statehouse and in Washington later as a Senator, Obama “reached across the aisle” to pass historic ethics reforms. Why am I blessed with such magic abilities, you ask? Because I am a Barack Obama Precinct captain.

Cower before me!

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Sean Cronin