How to Identify a Denver COVID-19 A$$hole

Since the start of Colorado’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic, we’ve been reporting about the safety practices recommended by state health officials, as well as the people who haven’t been following them.

How can you spot these folks in advance, so you can be sure to keep at least six feet away? To help you succeed at what could turn out to be a literal life-or-death task, we’ve assembled a primer on the Denver COVID-19 asshole, using the creature’s most common physical characteristics.

It’s a pictorial field guide to a beast that seems to be reproducing at a frightening pace.

EYES

The Denver COVID-19 asshole specializes in disapproving side-eye looks typically aimed at individuals wearing a mask, which they see as the pandemic equivalent of a burning American flag.

NOSE AND MOUTH

Uncovered, naturally, with the upper lip curling into a sneer whenever they see dudes kowtowing to what they consider freedom-killing practices that violate the independent Western spirit.

NECK

No mask at the ready to put on should the situation require it – because the situation never requires it!

CHEST

The prototypical Denver COVID-19 asshole loves to wear T-shirts with messages they think are profound but actually reveal how clueless and out of touch they actually are.

HANDS

At grocery stores, Denver COVID-19 assholes definitely don’t wear gloves, nor do they care about picking up items and then putting them back on shelves, where other shoppers will be touching them without knowing whose mitts got there first.

ASS

Generally sticking out and in the way, making it all but impossible for others to get around it while socially distancing. Not that a Denver COVID-19 asshole gives a damn – because America means being able to park your ass wherever you want!

DICK

Yes, most Denver COVID-19 assholes have one. Or are one.