Coronavirus

How to Identify a Denver COVID-19 A$$hole

Since the start of Colorado's response to the COVID-19 pandemic, we've been reporting about the safety practices recommended by state health officials, as well as the people who haven't been following them.

How can you spot these folks in advance, so you can be sure to keep at least six feet away? To help you succeed at what could turn out to be a literal life-or-death task, we've assembled a primer on the Denver COVID-19 asshole, using the creature's most common physical characteristics.

It's a pictorial field guide to a beast that seems to be reproducing at a frightening pace.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY MICHAEL ROBERTS
Photo by Michael Roberts
EYES


The Denver COVID-19 asshole specializes in disapproving side-eye looks typically aimed at individuals wearing a mask, which they see as the pandemic equivalent of a burning American flag.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY MICHAEL ROBERTS
Photo by Michael Roberts
NOSE AND MOUTH

Uncovered, naturally, with the upper lip curling into a sneer whenever they see dudes kowtowing to what they consider freedom-killing practices that violate the independent Western spirit.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY MICHAEL ROBERTS
Photo by Michael Roberts
NECK


No mask at the ready to put on should the situation require it — because the situation never requires it!

CHEST

The prototypical Denver COVID-19 asshole loves to wear T-shirts with messages they think are profound but actually reveal how clueless and out of touch they actually are.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY DEB ROBERTS
Photo by Deb Roberts
HANDS

At grocery stores, Denver COVID-19 assholes definitely don't wear gloves, nor do they care about picking up items and then putting them back on shelves, where other shoppers will be touching them without knowing whose mitts got there first.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY DEB ROBERTS
Photo by Deb Roberts
ASS

Generally sticking out and in the way, making it all but impossible for others to get around it while socially distancing. Not that a Denver COVID-19 asshole gives a damn — because America means being able to park your ass wherever you want!

click to enlarge PHOTO BY MICHAEL ROBERTS
Photo by Michael Roberts
DICK

Yes, most Denver COVID-19 assholes have one. Or are one.
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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts