But, Wait, There’s More! Bonus Gifts That Could Help Sell Pence Tickets

Even Mike Pence looks askance at Mike Pence.
Even Mike Pence looks askance at Mike Pence. Gage Skidmore at Flickr

Poor Mike Pence. The vice president of the United States is headlining a Colorado Republican fundraiser on October 26, and apparently the state Republican Party is having such a hard time selling tickets that they're offering a "Groupon-like deal" to see him: $150 for one ticket or $275, the original price for a single ticket, for two.

“Due to popular demand,” Colorado Republican Party Chairman Jeff Hays wrote in an email to the Denver Post, “we have made more tickets available at a new lower price.” We can only assume that Hays wrote this with a straight face and no sense of irony whatsoever.

In the interest of helping both Hays and VP Pence fill the Denver Marriott Tech Center ballroom on October 26, perhaps we should turn to the examples provided by Ron Popeil and his infomercial ilk. Once you cut the price, what else can you offer to prospective customers to sweeten the deal and stimulate sales? Here are a few ideas.

8. The Buy-One-Get-One Deal
Actually, the marketing gurus in the Colorado Republican Party have already done this, with the two-for-one deal. But they missed the real opportunity; when you get an extra bottle of Flex-Seal or an additional Glow Candle, those products you find very animated people hawking at 3 a.m., you have to “just pay separate shipping and handling” for the "free" gifts. Which sounds great, until you realize that the second shipping and handling charges almost double your initial cost. You missed the boat, Colorado Republicans. The giant shipping-and-handling money boat.

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We here in the vice president's office have this sucker down to about the size of a pamphlet.
Lindsey Turner at Flickr
7. A Pence-Approved Abridged Bible
The Pence Bible retains all the stuff with the fire and brimstone, the arguably anti-homosexual content, and the wrathful and vengeful and pitiless God. But it conveniently edits out most of what Jesus said about camels, needles, rich men and heaven, not to mention loving your neighbor as yourself, and all that sort of libtard nonsense.

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Look, we in the White House completely support free speech as long as it's white conservatives talking.
Keith Allison at Flickr
6. Invitation to See a Ball Game With Mike Pence
But only until they play the anthem and someone has the bad taste to exercise free speech.

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Deep in my heart, I do believe.
Sam at Flickr
5. A Lock of Trump’s Hair
You can wear it in a locket around your neck, like everyone in Trump’s cabinet is required to do. Now you, too, can be feckless and toadying! You can thank your boss at the beginning of every meeting for gracing you with the privilege of serving him! If you ever feel uncomfortable about any of it, just rub the locket full of his hair, and remember your place.

4. A Coupon for Gay Therapy
Back in 2000, when Pence was running for Congress, one of the proposals he put forth was to take away the money dedicated to HIV/AIDS prevention and commit it to so-called conversion-therapy groups. Sure, it's a psuedo-science that's baseless and damaging, but there are still plenty of gay-conversion groups out there, as suggested by last week’s episode of the Will & Grace relaunch (a show that would, of course, be canceled immediately under the laws passed in a future Pence administration).

3. The Right to Choose Whether or Not You Believe in Science
But look, only some science, okay? Like creationism, which is clearly worthy of being taught in schools alongside (if you must) whatever piffle that Darwin character dreamed up. But reproductive rights? Immoral. Planned Parenthood? Iniquitous. Global warming? Unproven. Institutional racism? Inconsequential. Mike Pence wants Americans to choose…just from a very short list of allowable options.

2. An Administrative Appointment
There are still tons of jobs available in the Trump administration. Pay no attention to those rats. This ship of state isn’t sinking. Believe me. Not sinking. On the contrary, a lot of people are saying that we're doing better at this point in the presidency than any other president before. Believe me, if this ship were sinking, I'd be the first to tell you. Fake news about the sinking, which there’s been a lot of lately. Someone should really look into that. Sad!

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Hi, everyone, this is my wife, Karen, who keeps me on a godly path, and my testicles in a small box in her purse.
Estonian Foreign Ministry at Flickr
1. Lunch With Mike Pence
Unless, you know, you’re a woman.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen