Jobbed: Baggage handlers at DIA

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The Job, as posted online: Baggage Handler Agent, DIA

Responsibilities: Transport luggage from ticket counter to TSA for pre-board security screening; assist ticket counter staff in lifting heavy/oversized luggage; retrieve luggage after TSA clearance and place on bag belt in a timely manner to ensure that all checked baggage is loaded onto departing aircraft; comply with all safety and security regulations; answer questions and direct passengers to food/restroom and other airport areas.

Qualifications: Ability to bend/stoop/twist throughout shift; stand and lift at least 70 lbs repeated throughout shift; normal eyesight and normal hearing; ability to speak, read and write English fluently high school diploma or equivalent ; drug free; clearance of FBI fingerprint background review; U.S. citizen or authorized to work in U.S

Pay: $7.24 per hour

What it doesn't say: The hourly wage is just your base. If you play your cards right, you'll be able to run your own fencing ring by rifling through luggage for cameras, laptops, leather jackets, watches, jewelry, video games and CDs. Bring your wife a nice bottle of wine! Bring your kids a new toy every day! The position is also a haven for men with creepy underwear fetishes. This is a jackpot, brother. Mmmmm, silky.

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