Jobbed: Tales from the help-wanted ads, September 24 edition

Having trouble finding work? You're not alone. Follow Westword every Thursday in Jobbed on the Latest Word blog as we troll for the weird, the wacky and the worst of what the recession-era world of online job ads has to offer.

The job: Undercover Operative

Pay: $50 an hour; All expenses paid, including travel time, parking, liquor, food, tips, and report preparation time.

Qualifications: "Witty, smart, attractive well put together female between the age of 32 and 45."

Responsibilities: A private investigator is looking for a woman to help investigate a "person of interest and his employment issues." The work environment is a "plush downtown restaurant/lounge. Candidate must be willing to dress the 'part' for this assignment to fit in. Candidate will not at any time be in a dangerous or compromising position. Candidate must be able to converse on a wide range of topics (nothing specific) and be very discreet -- no drama, jealous husbands, boyfriends, significant others etc. Final applicants will be put through a rigid background investigation.

What it doesn't say: A lot -- as in, "Hey cougar, you're already getting sloshed during the day, skeezing martinis off younger, drunker guys from out of town. Why not get paid for it?" Or it could be this: "You're a hard-boiled dame with brains. You've got gams up to here and more curves than a country road. And if you end up bedding the 'person of interest,' that's your beef not ours -- just make sure you get the goods first."

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