Kenny Be's Gubernatorial Battle Royale

Editor's note: This week's Westword cover story is a cartoon by Kenny Be, who examines the race to become Colorado's next governor.

Round One: Jobs and the Economy

Don't let the McInnis vs. Hickenlooper wrestling match get you down. The Colorado governor's race is still an eight-candidate contest! Each candidate is different from the others, and what you don't know about them could fill a comic -- like the one below.

Real-life achievement and wistful website rhetoric reveals how each of the would-be-Governor plans to K.O Colorado's economic recession ...

As seen in the picture above, John Hickenlooper plans to expand his Road Home parking meter concept of funding homeless shelters and install additional meters along streets across the state to fund all of the programs that he will eventually have to cut from the state budget. Based on his claims of saving the city of Denver from economic collapse by inventing Lower Downtown, John Hickenlooper now promises to reinvigorate state education by opening brewpubs in underfunded classrooms. Hickenlooper may feel that he has the experience to beat the competition, but a pack of scrappy Republicans want to beat him to the punch... Scott McInnis wants to reverse Governor Ritter's FASTER road repair funding plan and allow drivers to put the $50-$200 saved on registration fees back into the economy by paying the money to auto shops for car repairs caused by driving on unmaintained state roads. As he has done in the past, Scott McInnis also promises to place his wife, Lori McInnis, on staff and pay her an economic stimulus salary which must be used to shop at locally owned businesses in every Colorado town from Cortez to Julesburg. With Republican party chairman Dick Wadhams as his coach, McInnis may feel like a heavy-weight, but economic issue ideas are no match against the other G.O.P. contenders... Y. J. "Yoon Joo" Mager believes that Colorado has fallen behind the world with its uncovered utility lines. Her plans to put them underground would create jobs and make Colorado a much safer (and more beautiful) state in which to live. Dan Maes plans to create a special fund to insure small business loans. This fund will encourage bankers to lend to Colorado entrepreneurs because it is backed by Colorado's higher stakes gaming revenues and is paid out in poker chips, to appeal to today's risk-loving financial institutions. Voters who think that politics are just a game, and that Governor elections are as fixed as a professional wrestling spectacle, may want to turn their attention to the independent candidates. These contenders may look like they're down for the count, but for many of them it is the fight of their life ... Rich Hand proposes to repeal income taxes for doctors who accept cash only (no insurance) payments and who post price lists of medical procedures at the door. On his website, Rich Hand delivers many intriguing solutions to Colorado's problems from the music stand of his flag-festooned family room. While working in the oil and gas industry, Levi Hancock has seen "eagles land on location and elk bed down and sleep right next to a rig." He promises to create regulations that force the same compromise between industry and humanity.

The electlevi website is full of great quotes, like, "Levi has been married, is the father of two young boys, spends his spare time with his sons, and still calls them every night before bedtime." The line seems to reveal far more character information than it may have intended. A good Governor couldn't have not said it any better.

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Kenny Be
Contact: Kenny Be