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Kenny Be's Yard Arteology: Bathtub Bambi

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The study of neighbors through their lawn ornaments...

Figure 11. Jefferson: Silvery One-Eared Bathtub Bambi

After ass-soaking and tornado shelter, the third most popular use of a clawfoot tub is in the commission of a yard shrine. With clawfoot legs removed, the bathtub is upended and buried half-way into the ground to resemble the cave that is associated with the Virgin Mary's last known address. History tells us that this folksy yard-art practice was started in America by Catholic immigrants who were instructed by the Vatican to remove bathtubs from their homes to avoid the venial sins of clothing removal and languorous scrubbing. Out in the yard, the tub is usually surrounded by a grotto of gravel and silk flowers meant to demonstrate Mary's affinity with the Pope's position on water conservation.

The yard-shrine art form has since been adopted by many of the practitioners of newer religions to house alternate symbols of veneration. As seen in Figure 11, the recumbent fawn (spray-painted silver on the back and head) is the international symbol of nanotechnological cloning and indicates that this is the home of a member of The Raelian Movement. The missing ear indicates that the yard artist is a fully baptized apostate who has just received transmission from Vorilhon, and is waiting to hear further cloning instruction from the extra terrestrials known as the Elohim. Evidence that a second, identical Bathtub Bambi has yet to materialize in this backyard suggests that the Raelian Movement still lacks the ability to create divine shrines through yard-art cloning.

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