Last Comic Blogging, Part 3

Sleep Deprived and Addled — Tuesday, April 3, 5:06 a.m.

This is why I love Matt Conty: I ask him to tell me a new joke, since we're waiting in line together at the Last Comic Standing auditions, I haven't seen him in a few months and I always loved his sarcastic wit.

"I woke up the other day and saw some guy jumping around in my spice garden," Conty begins. "I was like, 'Buddy, what the heck are you doing?' And he was like, 'Just killing thyme.'"

You can't buy cheese that delicious.

Harrison and Andy had gone back to the hotel for their turns sleeping in a decent bed and showering while Conty and I guarded the spots in line. At one point, we'd slipped off for a minute to seek sustenance in the form of some slices from an all-night pizza place that assaulted us with 50 Cent for no apparent reason. The total for both of our purchases came to $13. Conty produced a ten, I a twenty, taking his ten for myself. I then handed the twenty-dollar-bill to the man behind the counter. He quickly produced seven ones which Conty took as his own and which I never even thought to question, choosing to wolf down my pizza in a zombie-like state of somnambulism instead. We returned to our places in line and tried to grab a few more winks.

Now, Conty comes over and says, "Hey, by the way, I think we totally botched that change transaction." He gives me a few bucks and tells me not to write in my blog that he's a dick. So Matt Conty is not a dick.

Did I mention the lack of sleep may be getting to us? — Adam Cayton-Holland

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Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
Contact: Joel Warner