Boebert Watch: Armed (With a Phone) and Dangerous

Representative Lauren Boebert acting like a fidgeting fourteen-year-old during President Joe Biden's first address to Congress.
Representative Lauren Boebert acting like a fidgeting fourteen-year-old during President Joe Biden's first address to Congress. YouTube
Whoever is leading Representative Lauren Boebert’s communications team might want to take away her phone. Much like her hero Donald Trump, she tends to shoot off her mouth digitally, usually before executing anything pedantically “lib” like forethought, careful study or calm contemplation. No, she hasn’t yet reached “covfefe” depths, but give the gun-totin' Colorado congresswoman some time.

Here are ten recent tweets that illustrate why, when Boebert is armed with her phone, she can be dangerous:

Let's set aside the gaslighting bullshit. There's actual history behind the terms "assault weapon" and "critical race theory."

The former was apocryphally credited to no less an actual person than Adolf Hitler, who at the very least signed off on the order calling the new MP 43 rifle by the German word Sturmgewehr, which translates to "assault rifle." Moreover, no less an authority than the U.S. Army has a classification for assault rifles, and the U.S. government — not just the Democratic Party — has used the terms "automatic rifles" and "automatic weapons" interchangeably.

As for "Critical Race Theory," saying that doesn't exist is sort of like saying English composition doesn't exist. You can say it's made up, but that doesn't prevent it from being a thing. And speaking of the rules of the English language...

Well, no, it's not, because "patriot" is a noun, and grammar is a thing. But sure, in the interests of English vernacular being a living language that embraces change, let's try it out: Representative Lauren Boebert tweeted today patriot's preferred pronoun; patriot unfortunately chose a word that wasn't a pronoun, which made patriot sort of look like a moron. What's up with patriot, many of patriot's constituents may ask? It's a fine question, voters of CD3, and one you should consider carefully when patriot runs for re-election.

Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot has her problems, just like Tulsi Gabbard and, well, Boebert. But it didn't escape our notice that these last two paragraphs could have been lifted from any number of social media messages about her social media messages. But the rhyme is very 1980s Jesse Jackson, so good pull.

Boebert is about as good with a simile as she is with pronouns, but this comparison is accidentally apt. As a mom of four, she knows that potty training is a process. It takes time to move from diapers to the big-girl potty — much like it takes time in the hopefully waning days of a pandemic to move from mask-wearing to the world as we knew it before. Then again, the process of being elected to Congress is usually more of a process, so her belief in instant gratification is understandable.

You have to wonder where the ideas now inside Boebert's head come from. It's one thing to be the sort of Christian who does and supports the exact opposite of what Jesus taught while placing the reasoning for their actions and beliefs firmly in the hands of the Bible. Hypocritical, annoying, crusade-inducing, all that. But most folks in this category at least have the decency to thump their Bibles in the relative safety of their own bubbles. Maybe Boebert learned a lesson here, since this post went viral, with most of the comments suggesting chapters and verses directly in opposition to her own stated political stances. Some turned the question back on her, which no doubt made her scramble to Google good Bible verses. She chose Isiah 8:18, a relatively safe pick. At least it wasn't "two Corinthians," which in the Trump Bible translates roughly to "I know nothing about the Bible, but I have one made of gold. Amen."   

Oof. Might not want to put it out there that she's losing as many followers as she's gaining. Boebert also might consider looking up the terms "attrition" and "self-own."

We get that Boebert and her ilk are petrified by the GOP splitting apart and separating the real politicians from the Machiavellian cultists, but her use of "squishes" as a pejorative is questionable. Boebert took it from Ted Cruz's usage, but the term is muddy, and can also be used to refer to people to whom you may have an un-romantic but strong attraction. In that sense, Liz Cheney (and now Paul Ryan) are the opposite of squishes, aren't they? And isn't Boebert the Trump squish? She might want to get these terms clarified internally before the GOP officially splits and one side has an actual platform while the other has, you know, whatever Trump says from his cell in federal prison.

But...the masks...kept the flu...and she's arguing against.... Seriously, Congresswoman Boebert, look up "self-own." We beg of you.

Despite the best efforts of the far right as led by Fox News, journalism is far from dead, let alone buried and gone. Sure, Boebert and those who would discredit America's fourth estate can point to feel-good fluff pieces as proof of its imminent demise, but one of the media's many roles in American lives is to provide inspiration. Here, that our president is a good man who cares for people and animals, and surrounds himself with the same sort of people. If this image threatens her — if she prefers the anger and bluster and basic incivility of Trumpian politics to this? That's not uncovering something shitty about journalism. That's offering up a peek at the deep, hateful rot that Boebert is covering up with that gun, that flag, that coiffed hair and toothy smile.

Yeah, we remember the Obama administration fondly, too.

Have a favorite Boebert tweet? Share it with us at [email protected].

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen