Nine Things the Rockies Can Do to Start Winning Again

The folks at Coors Field announced last month that they were raising their outfield fences by a significant amount, both to normalize the home-run record in the field and to prevent so many teams from scoring on the poor Rockies by way of the long ball. Clearly, this is an act of desperation, and quite possibly a call for help. We're here for the home team.

Nine is an important number in baseball — nine innings, nine players on the field…and now nine years since we won the pennant. So in the hopes that this might be good juju, let’s look at nine other ways that the Rockies’ hopes could once again soar mile-high.

9. Buy Out the Monforts
Most fans of the Rockies are at the same time decidedly not fans of the Monfort family or how they run the team…or fail to run the team, depending on how you look at it. Colorado has over 5 million residents, and the team is valued at around $575 million. So if everyone in Colorado chips in $120 each, we can buy the team outright and still have enough left over to buy a whole mess of hot dogs and Coors Light.

8. Lose the Dinosaur
Let’s just all admit that the proto-Barney experiment that is Dinger has been a near-complete failure. If the Rockies are going to be a winning club again, we have to start with some self-respect, and no one can look to the dugout and see that pantsless walking non-sequitur grinning over at them and retain the will to live, let alone play baseball. We here at Westword tried starting an anti-Dinger petition years ago, but, alas, it didn’t take. Maybe after a near-decade of earned league irrelevance, it’s time to revisit the issue.

7. Bring Back Todd Helton
Because seventeen seasons just wasn’t enough. Helton has already gone on record saying that he wants to return to the team in some capacity, either coaching or in the front office. He’s suggesting that he doesn’t really want to be back in uniform because he’s not crazy about the traveling, but throw enough dough at him and maybe he’ll take up residence in the dugout again. Legacy in Major League Baseball means something, and Helton is the closest thing the Rockies have to it.

6. Travel Back in Time to 2007
The Rockies' first and only National League Pennant, the winning streak that still stands as one of Major League Baseball’s greatest, and the happiest playoffs of all, when it was suggested that the Rockies had become America's team. It was the year that most of the City of Denver jumped on the Rockies bandwagon— only to promptly jump off once the dream team played that nightmare of a game. Of course, once we perfect time travel, we can draft a bunch of the greats. Start with Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb and Ted Williams — there are some Blake Street Bombers for you.

5. Increase the Number of Home Runs Required for Free Tacos
Inspiration is inspiration. Sure, the deal has just gotten worse over the years, but it’s always been seven tacos that trip the prize. Make it ten runs in the first four innings, invoke the Mercy Rule from Little League, and let’s end games early and with a W.

Keep reading for more ideas.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen