Sports

Our top draft picks for Tony Romo's new girlfriend

Your 3-0 Broncos face their biggest test this Sunday, when they take on the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo, a talented but erratic QB who's prone to distractions, as demonstrated by his high-profile relationship with buxom, brain-challenged Jessica Simpson. Unfortunately, Romo has broken up with Jess, which should keep his focus on football rather than ballin' -- something that doesn't help the Broncos' D. Clearly, Romo needs to hook up with another magnificently mesmerizing slab of feminine pulchritude, stat. As for who, we've got some suggestions... 5. Megan Fox

If she's capable of getting Optimus Prime's attention, she can definitely coax Romo's wandering eye to linger on her rolling hills. As a bonus, she's currently involved with Brian Austin Green, a Beverly Hills 90210 Mark I alum who seems about five-thousand different kinds of crazy. If Romo puts the moves on Megan, BAG could go off in a way that would keep the E Channel going for another two years.

4. Tila Tequila She's willing to play for both teams, in a manner of speaking, which should drive Romo around the bend. Plus, she's got a fondness for football players -- although she publicly accused the last one she "dated" (the San Diego Chargers' Shawne Merriman) of choking her. In this case, we'd prefer Romo be the one to doing the choking -- on Sunday afternoon. 3. Ashley Tisdale She shares a lot of qualities in common with J-Simp, including the willingness to sing any kind of song, no matter the style or level of banality, to maintain a grip on stardom that's been slipping ever since her forced graduation from High School Musical. If she doesn't become the main squeeze of some celeb soon, she's going to be sentenced to a career spent auditioning for gigs like the Pasadena Playhouse revival of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. Latch onto Tony, why dontcha? 2. Selena Gomez Another Disney Channel alum, this one so young that Cowboys fans would likely come after Romo with torches and pitchforks (everyone carries those around in Dallas, right?) at the very thought of him looking for an opening and then hitting the hole. And while she's not quite as pretty as the Jonas Brothers -- or at least all of them except Kevin -- she's close enough. 1. New York Everyone loves New York! And she's got the mileage to prove it! The reality star could take Romo places he's never been before -- like unspeakable degradation. By the time she's done with him, he couldn't even complete a hall pass, let alone hit Jason Witten over the middle. Anybody got her number? Because we're betting she's got his.
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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts