If you like learning fromDrunk History
, you'll be thrilled by the details about Denver offered onUncyclopedia
, which describes itself as "the Mother Ship of amateur comedy writing! (Amateur means we don't pay you to do it.)" The site'sDenver page
reveals fascinating information, such as that the local economy is heavily reliant on "high-tech industry, tourism, crack and selling sexually explicit magazines to Oklahomans who want to look at nasty cooters but can't buy such things at home without a permit from the governor."
There's a lot more "wisdom" where that came from. Continue to check out the photo-illustrated ten-part journey through Denver lore, featuring excerpts from Uncyclopedia text -- and to see the original item, replete with lots of additional "facts," click here.
1. Introduction "Denver sucks ass!" ~ Randy Marsh
"Denver has some great music! No wait, that's John Denver. Holy shit, he has a state named after him?" ~ Oscar Wilde
Denver is the largest and most nuggetity state, the capital of both Mars and Colorado (which is itself a suburb of Los Angeles). Denver is known as 'The Mile High City' since its residents refuse to convert to the metric system and 'the 1.069 km city' would not be as attractive. Denver is sometimes called a "cow-town," this is because Denver has a zoo compiled solely of cows. Denver is considered a slight...moderate...extreme...very extreme enemy of Salt Lake state, Utah. Of course, everyone knows that a Denverite could kick a Salt Lake state dweller's ass any day, due to their stockpile of mind enhancing superdrugs and their super-developed lungs. As for Salt Lake, well...Mormons....
2. Economy, History & Boring Stuff, Part 1 Denver was founded in 1987 by famed cult leader and romance novelist John Denver and his husband Bob Denver. After seeing the most beautiful and unspoiled part of United States of America in a vision from Sauron, John decided to utterly destroy it by soiling the world's largest grassland with his syrupy pseudo-religious music. Thus, he collected together his hysterical followers and descended upon the land like a swarm of locusts.... Continue for more hilariously untrue facts about Denver on Uncyclopedia. 3. Economy, History & Boring Stuff, Part 2 Denver's economy relies heavily on high-tech industry, tourism, crack, and selling sexually explicit magazines to Oklahomans who want to look at nasty cooters but can't buy such things at home without a permit from the governor. In 2003, Denver Mayor Hick'nsassythangwhatever started an initiative to combine Denver's three economies into one software-controlled pornographic ski pool hall called Boulder.... 4. Transteleportation Denver's RTD (Recyclable Teleports of Denver) transport system consists of >1000 buses and light rail teleport portals C, D, E, F,and H, but not A, B, or G (to avoid lawsuits from the alphabet). The light rail can teleport Boulderites from Boulder to earth and then to Denver for stolen Green Bay cheese and then to the mountains for Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory munchies....
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The RTD system itself is controlled by an operator known only as Jesus, Lord and Savoir who was promoted after losing his job where The Church nightclub stands today.....
Continue for more hilariously untrue facts about Denver on Uncyclopedia. 5. Culture & Arts Since the 1980s, Denver has become a booming epicenter of arts and culture. However, no high art is without controversy, and being the Mile High state, Denver is no exception. Construction on what is estimated to be the world's largest and most eggshell white with tan trim modern art project, the suburb of Highlands Ranch has attracted ridicule from the world's art critics and praise from literally thousands of soulless soccer moms. Denver's cultural perspective changed dramatically when it became the state in which soap opera Dynasty was set and filmed in.... Life in Denver itself is admirable to those who never mind waiting at a standstill in traffic on various freeways, primarily in the Highlands Ranch area of Denver. Constant standstill traffic in Highlands Ranch is due to many drunk housewives who would rather congest traffic on their way to Park Meadows Mall with infrequent use of turn signals, oversize in SUV size, and distractions from the BlackBerry Curve phones that they still do not know how to operate.... 6. Denver International "Secret Underground Base" Airport About 20 miles to the east of Denver lies Denver International "Airport." The future headquarters of the Illuminati's New World Order. The Base can be accessed by taking Cecil Rhodes Boulevard. A Giant blue horse greets some 5 million passengers escaping from Denver each week. The remote location was chosen so as the base was on the same longitude as the Roswell UFO Crash, therefore the aliens can find them after the end of the world.... Continue for more hilariously untrue facts about Denver on Uncyclopedia. 7. Red Rocks Red Rocks Amphitheater is a man-made building. The brand new high tech Red Robin Amphitheater at Mile High began construction in late 2012. Blueprints indicate Red Rocks will be, when completed, still a bunch of red rocks. Red Rocks came to awesomeness when The Beatles came to Colorado after losing a bet back in '64. Since then, ticket prices have gotten jacked up forever. Concert tickets at Red Rocks cost about $90,000, because keeping a bunch of rocks together must cost a fortune.... 8. Sports Authority Field at Mile High Some genius came up with the idea to build a gigantic contraceptive diaphragm to promote safe sex to the Gods. The promotion was tarnished once the pessary became infested with Broncos. Earth said her "biological clock is tick, tick, ticking away", she is blistering and growing hotter. A`bama visited Sports Authority Field at Mile High to see why Earth is becoming fervid. He agreed Earth should be angry with such a bad case of bucking Broncos.... Continue for more hilariously untrue facts about Denver on Uncyclopedia. 9. Denver Diamond Thousands of years ago, some dude decided that the down town streets should be at an angle to all the other streets in Denver. The reason for this is complicated and can be explained by the tourist guide at the state capitol. Regardless of the original intent, the jacked up street system now serves to confuse terrorists attempting to bomb Denver's World Trade Center, which is quite insignificant to the one that was in New York state.... 10. Famous Denverites Rosanne Barr (When She Was Funny) Tim "The Coked Up Toolman" Taylor Ted Bundy Nala from The Lion King Dog the Bounty Hunter Fez from that 70's show A Chipotle burrito A 1992 Toyota Camry sedan converted to run on pot
Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.