When the Jeffco Public Schools Board of Education meets on Thursday, October 2, it will pick up the hot-potato topic -- the Curriculum Review Committee -- that has inspired student walk-outs across the district, creating an unofficial crash course in civil disobedience in the process. But when new boardmember Julie Williams first proposed creating a curriculum committee last month, she wasn't just taking aim at Advanced Placement U.S. History, with its pesky emphasis on "civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law." She also suggested that the group's initial projects include a review of the "elementary health curriculum."
In some very fast revisionist history, fellow boardmember John Newkirk has edited Williams's ditzy drivel into a streamlined draft that the board will consider at the same meeting where it will discuss those student walkouts. Expect a good, healthy civics lesson -- and give a moment of silent thanks that the health curriculum is not on the agenda. Because we can only imagine what Williams would like to purge from Jeffco's sex-ed and science lineups -- and what kind of classes she'd put on the roster instead. In fact, we have imagined them: Here are the Top Five New Jeffco Health Classes: 5) Unions Spread Influence-a! Never mind that with today's social media, a slightly savvy teen can pull together a protest faster than Julie Williams and her crew can log onto AOL. Certain conservatives (hello, Michelle Malkin) still seem to think that the teachers' union is completely behind the student walkouts -- ignoring the fact that the Facebook pages created by the students themselves discourage their peers from joining in the protests unless they actually understand what the protests are about. Starve a crowd, feed a political fever. 4) Familiarity Breeds Attempt Two words: School uniforms. If they come complete with chastity belts, there won't be any need to teach Jeffco kids about sex, anyway. Continue to keep counting down the top five new Jeffco health classes in Julie Williams's curriculum. 3) The Birds and the Bees Who says Jeffco is closed-minded? Under this curriculum, the school system can offer a lesson on where babies come from that should satisfy vegans and carnivores alike: You can find infants in the cabbage patch or order them up from the stork. 2) Last But Not Leech You may not be able to get blood out of a turnip, but if you take the proper political position, you should be able to extract plenty from your blood-sucking supporters across the country. 1) Pray As You Go When in doubt, pray that no one notices the school system has become a very bitter pill.
Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.