Last year, we shared a collection of the ten weirdest recent posts on Denver Craigslist's "Rants & Raves" section -- and weird they were. But most of them don't compare to the flat-out bizarre screeds we found when we revisited the page -- not just attacks on targets like early morning phone calls and firefighters (!), but items with twisted memes, multiple videos, lyrics and pontificating about the rapture in ways that could cause even God to shake His head. Check out the assemblage of strangeness below. Number 10: WHY DO YOU CALL ME SO FUCKING EARLY (MOFO)
So you call me at 6 am... great.. I am not awake.. AND I DONT SLEEP WITH MY PHONE... do you remember telling me how dangerous it is to sleep with the phone and how on and on an on you went because i slept with the phone... it was like the Spanish Inquisition!... SO I DONT SLEEP WITH THE PHONE... I barely missed your call. I jumped up out of bed and dialed you back WITHIN SECONDS!
You then send me a text that youre on another call!
LOOK.. IF I AM NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR YOU TO WAIT A FEW SECONDS FOR ME TO GET MY ASS OUT OF BED THEN DONT FUCKING CALL ME!
Hello Bottomfeeders!!!!! How your shitty lives ???, oh I know Shitty!!
I just got back from one of my Aspen Townhomes and just cancelled plans to back to Vegas today and Party like a rock star becuase I have to deposit another WEEKLY $11,000 check from my Oil mineral rights pumping away and making my ass better than you!!HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!......... That's right Scumbags..... as you sit on your Fatasses , I'm cashing checks and bangin your daughters and wives in the ass! You people are all trash!!! plain and simple so get out of my way or I'll Slap ya !! CAPEESHE!!
Awwww, whats a matter loser ???, you just remembered you have No future and you'l never retire and you'l always be in debt and poor? Or you only make 9 dollors an hour ? and your Family is Ashamed of you ??Aww BOO HOO!!! Well that's right !! hahahaha!!!
Or how about you out a work idiot English majors who got fired cause your an asshole?? Tuff shit !! HAHAHAHaa!! Sucks to be you hahaha!!!
My life is AWSOMMMEEE!!! I dont give a Crap about the School system or this Shitty country!! Cause I got a shit load of money to Go anywhere and Do anything I want HAHAHAHA!!!
So Fuck you , Fuck your Children , Fuck Your mother , and Fuck the (soon to be) 3rd world United States!!
Continue for more of the ten weirdest recent Denver Craiglist "Rants & Raves," 2013 edition. Number 8: Why can't I get laid ? (Home)
Wondering what a man's gotta have to get laid.
Are there no women who dig a normal looking guy ? Married might not attract a lot of women but heck , there must be some who do like a man who's not hung like a horse.
And sure , I might not be rich but everyone says money can't buy you love.
I don't know why women stop responding when I tell them that I can't host - they need to understand that my parents won't appreciate screaming from their basement . It's not that tough to understand this simple stuff .
By the way , I don't know why people keep calling me ignorant , I don't even know what the word means.
Number 7: How do you get rid of skunks?
I'm talking about the four legged kind with the white strip down the back not people. I live in Jefferson county, and they say that it's a rodent problem and your on your own. Where I grew up all you needed to do was go outside with a flashlight and a shot gun after dark, that took care of it. That was out in the country, you didn't have to worry about shooting someone, but now I live in the burbs and you know how shooting them would work out. Their nest or lair or what ever you call it is not on my property. Tried a pellet gun but that just doesn't work out too well. I really hate to leave poison out because I have dogs. Does anyone have any ideas? Me and my dogs would appreciate it.
Please save the bad comments, this is a real problem.
Continue for more of the ten weirdest recent Denver Craiglist "Rants & Raves," 2013 edition. Number 6: firemen are useless waste of taxpayers money
everyday they go down my street with their alarms on at 4 o'clock for no freaking reason.they also go to my gym everyday and they work out and they take up all the machines and hog all the cardio equipment like there's some kind of kings or something.then I see these worthless waste of spaces at the grocery store Buying T Bones in pork loin and lobster tails for luxurious dinners do we really need these hoes dragers? what a waste of money . one day I'm going to f*** the s*** out of one of these fools.
The bible was written by semi literate bronze age goat fuckers and you want us to believe it!
Continue for more of the ten weirdest recent Denver Craiglist "Rants & Raves," 2013 edition. Number 4: Just thoughts, cries for help, papal failures and other adorable posts (Where the Fungus meets the Photosynth)
Well look at you all go... almost makes me sorry I missed it.
There's really only a few items I wish to address... humor me if they've slipped past my troll filter.
Feels like tomorrow might just be epic... hump days are like that.
#3. "I believe in God but gee whiz, mine isn't nearly as strict and fearful as most people claim or believe.
Mine is a loving, trusting, caring and forgiving God."
Sounds a bit like mine, but I realize that He is my provider and protector, comforter and encourager, guide, trainer and disciplinarian as well.
But what REALLY blows my mind is His ever-present-ness ;-)
#2. "And keep your faith in the great mother nature."
Don't be dissin' mom, bro. I enjoyed your post and was with you completely, right up to the whole Israel thing... that's where the train left the tracks. I'll check the wreckage for survivors, but you gotta promise to lighten up on ma. She is Our Father's wife ya know!
#1. "All four of these men ascended to heaven without tasting death."
Really? REALLY??? CHRIST? The dude who hung on a cross until presumed dead, at which time was pierced by the spear of a Roman Centurion????? I can taste that death from here, BROTHER! MOSES????? Deut 34:5-8 Enoch and Elijah have also tasted, and rest in the dust of the earth. You really, REALLY should pay better attention to The Word: ....and no one hath gone up to the heaven, except he who out of the heaven came down -- the Son of Man who is in the heaven.
Number 3: It's really so unflattering
Spewing hate and lies about others you know nothing about. You should do your homework BEFORE you run your mouth and don't be so gratified with the thought of someone else's presumed failures.
I mean what do you want me to say, I'm sorry I married someone I was with since I was twenty. I didn't marry for money. Sorry he's been a fuckin jerk off the whole time fighting my ideas tooth and nail since day one.
Sorry I was able to overcome him and still succeed. I guess that must really bite. It means I was able to survive the both of you and several others too and flourish. I often like to imagine how good I could have done if only I would have had one supportive partner out of an entire lifetime. Here in the end that just makes it all the sweeter. Good day Sir.
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Continue for more of the ten weirdest recent Denver Craiglist "Rants & Raves," 2013 edition. Number 2: A CL E-thug's Life.......... LiVe Beau Monde (Created in His Lichenes)
Wut up my thallophytes?!? Time to bring the stink? Fungi Photosynthesis in my sink?? ? ?? ???
* - * - * - *
Look at all this garbage I keep generatin' (Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin' Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin' Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin'
But I see no reason why Can't let a few more weeks go by And now garbage is piled up high And buddy, you should see the flies I said...
Careful not to breathe the fumes Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom Oh
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Oh, it's gone to pot in here (to pot) Bring out the firehose (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)
".....aint much in my pocket but we maintaining belief......."
Continue for more of the ten weirdest recent Denver Craiglist "Rants & Raves," 2013 edition. Number 1: Rap Church Kittens (Get A Peace of the Rock)
Paul did not provide any other details of this event, and it is not mentioned elsewhere in the Bible. Questions about the details and timing of the Rapture are not answered in the Bible. The lack of details has led to different theories and interpretations."
The Rapture and other ideas about events surrounding the second coming of Christ have spawned a whole industry in recent years. Hal Lindsey's 1970 book The Late Great Planet Earth and the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins have been at the forefront. Besides the many books, there are websites, TV evangelists, lecture series, movies and videos. Some of these feature imaginative and vivid embellishments of Bible prophecies mingled with contemporary political and social theories. Most of these works go well beyond anything revealed in the Bible and are properly classified as fiction -- not as Bible prophecy.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Photos: Ten weirdest recent Denver Craigslist 'Rants & Raves.'"