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Scott D. Clark Plays Duck Duck Noose

Google "Denver." Go ahead, do it. I promise this is not a trick that will give you that computer virus again where the horrific image of some beastly naked woman becomes your wallpaper and you have to call the IT guy to get rid of it and he looks at you like you're some kind of pervert when you know he's got all kinds of freaky porn saved on a backup hard drive because he's a total pervert. Though you have to admit, that was a pretty hilarious prank. But that's not what I'm about today, so just google Denver. There you go. What's the first news item that pops up? "Denver man accused of beheading hotel duck."

Unless you've been canoeing about some mountain lake, sucking chaw and mowing down waterfowl by the sack-full in your traditional, inbred celebration of fall, you've probably heard of Scott D. Clark, aka Denver's latest total jackass (the "D" stands for "Dickhead"). If you haven't heard of him, allow me to fill you in. Clark is an auditor in the Office of the Inspector General in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services in Denver, so right away you know homeboy's a real winner. Said winner goes to St. Paul, Minnesota, checks himself into an Embassy Suites Hotel, then proceeds to go out and get shit-canned. A friend from Minnesota assures me that St. Paul is a really great city with a lot of great places, but I'm going to assume that Clark didn't manage to find any of them. I'm betting he found the St. Paul equivalent of LoDo and drank Jäger bombs and talked fantasy football until he felt important. Can I confirm this? Not at all. Does someone who admits to ripping the head off a duck even deserve the courtesy of further fact-checking? Uh-uh. Instead, what he deserves is a systematic character assassination. From his mug shot alone, I can tell that Clark was the masochistic, closet homosexual in the frat who demanded to be pledgemaster every year, the guy who paddled the pledges with appalling fervor until some brother pulled him off, at which point Clark made the pledges engage in elephant walks around the house and when one protested, responded by calling that pledge a "fag."

Anyhoo, Clark the closet queer went back to the hotel after his night of drinking and proceeded to chase after one of the seven tame, domesticated ducks living in a pond on the hotel property. He cornered one of the ducks, grabbed it, and then ripped its head off with his bare auditor's hands. I'm not sure where this type of behavior ranks on the list of serial-killer warning signs, but I'm going to guess that it falls somewhere between bed-wetting and forehead swastikas. Clark then turned to a group of horrified onlookers and reportedly said the following: "I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it."

When the cops later showed up at Clark's room — where he'd no doubt retreated to cook the duck on a Foreman grill — he asked if he was in trouble because he'd killed the duck out of season. I mentioned that this genius works for the federal government, right? Clark certainly made sure the cops were aware of this fact, stating that because of his position, he would have all of the arresting officers' jobs. Nice touch, Clark. As if animal-abusing-monster wasn't bad enough, you decided to top that off with a hot slice of lowly-worker-bee-peon-waxing-more-important-than-he-is. You couldn't script ugly more effectively.

The worst thing about the Scott Clark affair is that that poor duck had its head ripped off. The second worst thing is that Clark is from Denver, Colorado. And so now he joins the long list of fucking idiots associated with our state that we, the normal citizens, have to put up with. TB boy Andrew Speaker; the guy who almost OD'd on microwave popcorn; crazy Granby bulldozer driver; Kobe the rapist.

Look, I'm the first guy to admit that we all get mad at ducks and geese sometimes. But the proper response is to yell really loudly at the offending fowl in the park so that everyone can see that you're putting them in their place. Not rip their heads off. Violence begets violence, and now we all have to live in fear until a duck rips off a human's head off and evens the score. And we have Clark to thank for that, as well as another instance of bat-shit-crazy from Colorado dominating the national media.

So I'm hoping that the proper Minnesota authorities prosecute Clark to the fullest extent of the law and put him behind bars for two years — not only because his act was unconscionable, but so that Colorado can be free of him for a while. And healthy duck-human relations may resume.

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Adam Cayton-Holland