Schmuck of the Week

Shmucks of the Week: Middle schoolers

When I read this morning about a Boulder-area middle school banning jelly bracelets because of their potential sexual meanings, my first reaction was to shmuck the principal up. I mean, the whole pink-means-hand-job bracelet thing has been floating around since 2003, and no one seems to have ever really demonstrated that they actually mean anything. Isn't it possible that these kids just have really bad taste in accessories?

But then I thought about it, and I realized: This is the principal of a middle school, which is quite possibly the most dreadful job in America. It's like being the office manager of Hell. Not only does the principal not deserve being named a shmuck, the dude deserves a medal, and a vacation, and maybe a night out with someone wearing an indigo-colored bracelet.

Why? Because let's face it: Middle schoolers suck.

There, I said it. Even if you happen to have middle schoolers, you have to admit they're pretty much the most awful things around. They're awkward, they smell funny, and they hate everything, including you. Check that: especially you. It's the only stage in your life (save for maybe super-old age) when you're entirely helpless and entirely uncute. Let me get this straight, fourteen-year-old: I have to drive you everywhere and buy you everything and you're going to be a dick to me? Who drew this deal up?

When I was a teenager growing up in the Bay Area, I was lucky to have been handed down from my parents the gift of San Francisco Giants baseball. I was a third-generation fan -- pretty rare for a Californian. And you know what I did when I was in sixth grade? I rooted for the Atlanta Braves. Who does that? Nobody likes the Braves. Not even the guys who play for the Braves like the Braves. And yet there I was, every afternoon, turning on TBS and root-root-rooting on David fucking Justice. My dad should have strangled me with a foam tomahawk.

Anyway, the point is, these kids -- these middle schoolers who are running around with their ugly jelly bracelets and taunting their teachers and parents with the possibility that they're related to sex -- suck. Not only are they tormenting their elders, but they're doing it in truly unoriginal fashion. They're literally recycling seven-year-old terror. And then, of course, when reporters ask about the meanings of the bracelets, they're lying about it, acting as if they've never heard of such a thing.

How do I know they're lying? Because they're middle schoolers, and lying is pretty much the only thing middle schoolers do well. Lying and being dicks. And spending their parents' money.

So, yeah, I'm gonna be a great dad, aren't I?

And middle schoolers: You're the Shmucks of the Week.

Meet previous shmucks -- including Brandon Marshall, Brandon Marshall and some other guys -- in our Shmuck archive.

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Joe Tone
Contact: Joe Tone