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Sports Guy signing: On the off chance Bill Simmons gets hammered at the Tattered Cover tonight...

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ESPN Sports Guy and Broncos bandwagon driver Bill Simmons is in Denver tonight, for the last stop on his fall book-signing tour. If you have or want a copy of his new tome, The Book of Basketball, get to the LoDo Tattered Cover sometime before 5 p.m. and stand in line with the rest of Denver's sports geeks. With any luck you'll be blowing the ink dry by tip-off of the Nuggets game.

Word is Simmons is a pretty chatty fella at these things, so you might be able to actually engage him while he draws oddly detailed photos of Teen Wolf on your book. Especially if he gets hammered. But what will you ask him? Some suggestions:

1. So, this dream web site of yours... Simmons has talked recently of wanting to ditch ESPN and start some sort of 2.0 version of The National (now with profit margins and excessive YouPorn references!). At the very least, it's one hell of a negotiation tactic.

But what would this site look like? Would it gather news, or just riff on it? Would it only cover sports? Or would it, like everything else Simmons does (for better or worse), veer into TV, movies, and the spread at Kimmel's house? Would Jack-o have his own column? Please tell us Jack-o won't have his own column.

2. About this alleged Sports Gal... I might be alone in this, but I want to know what Simmons' betrothed really thinks of some of the shit he says and pulls -- the hours spent at Kimmel's and the man cave, the dragging of his poor children to Clippers games. He's averaging about .5 divorce comments per podcast these days, and while I'm sure he tells her it's all part of the shtick, you have to wonder. Or maybe I just have to wonder.

This could all be solved if the Sports Gal would just occasionally Tweet some shit-talking or a Twit Pic of herself burning a Dave Cowens jersey. Is that too much to ask?

3. What'd you think of Charlie Pierce's evisceration? Because I thought it carried some truth with it. Then again, I also agreed with Will Leitch's binary tug job, so I'm clearly malleable when it comes to my Sports Guy criticism.

4. Seven hundred pages? Really? Simmons constantly stands by the length of his book, his columns, his podcasts -- everything, really, because everything the guy does is needlessly long and, more importantly, pretty inefficient. He can argue -- and surely does when no one's around to hear it -- that he writes the most widely read sports column alive, so why change what got him there?

Here's why: To get better. If his readers didn't have to wade, skip, scan and scroll to get through one of his picks columns or a chapter of his book -- which he freely admits many of them do -- he would amass even more of them, and they'd walk away even more satisfied.

5. Don't you love it when no-career hacks tell you how to do your job more effectively? Because it's one thing for Pierce to do it -- I mean, that guy's got chops -- but random Denver blogger types? That's just silly.

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