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Strange Political Bedfellows

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Westword’s crack team of political analysts are at it again. Last week they answered the age-old question, “Which local politician most resembles Shakira?” Now they’ve taken their investigation one step further, to bring to you, for the first time (drum roll, please) WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF LOCAL POLITICOS MATED WITH ONE ANOTHER!!!! The space-age technology behind this breakthrough is courtesy of www.knockedupbabymaker.com, a shameless online plug for the new movie Knocked Up. Whatever the sleazy impetus for the Web site, its results are impressive. For example, what would happen if current Denver mayor John Hickenlooper (see left) went to former mayor Wellington Webb (see right) for advice and, well, things got a little out of hand? That’s right: a mustachioed, buck-toothed, big-eared baby. Teddy Hickenlooper has nothing to worry about; with a fugly baby bro like this, he’ll always be number one in his family. Or maybe gubernatorial candidates Bill Ritter (left) and Bob Beauprez (right) settled their differences with a little roll in the hay. Their progeny would look like this: Dweeb alert! Dweeb alert! But what about those archetypes of conservatism, Tom Tancredo (left) and Marilyn Musgrave (right)? Let’s just say the two let down their hair one night over candlelight musings of Mexican internment camps and anti-gay brainwashing techniques. Here’s the result:

My God, these two have already procreated! Their love child is none other than Matthew Broderick! The evidence is irrefutable; compare the photo above with one of the Hollywood and Broadway star:

That sneaky Broderick must have been dying his blond hair brown all along. But thanks to stupid Internet gimmickry, now we know the truth. We’re on to you, Ferris Bueller, we’re onto you. – Joel Warner

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.