News

Sunshine Megatron Versus Denver

As you may have heard, crazy millionaire Sunshine Megatron, creator of the notorious and highly successful website www.tshirthell.com, recently moved to Denver. Our newest celebrity may not stick around long, however, since he’s already growing weary of the Mile High City. To find out why, we gave Mr. Megatron a Denver pop quiz:

If Denver was a T-shirt, it would read: I'm with sucking

The best thing about Denver you've discovered is: Various streets and highways make leaving a breeze.

The worst thing about Denver you've discovered is: It's a little unsettling to see the wildlife in the mountains committing suicide.

The folks you run with around the country consider Denver to be: Overrated as Gilligan; which overshadowed his subtle nuanced performance as Maynard G. Krebs on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

If you could party with one Denverite, it would be: Jesus

What Denver needs to make it a world-class city is: To relocate to Manhattan

The Denver strippers are bad because: Everything I've said about Denver having sub par strippers was false. I take back everything. (I'm hoping this declaration will convince the lynch mob of average strippers that have been camped outside my loft since your article was published to leave me alone -- and to get nose jobs.)

In order to stay here, you would have to be convinced that: Everything I have ever known about happiness was wrong.

Please write a haiku about Denver: oh mile high city dirty, boring, sad and cold at least you're not Englewood

Curse Sunshine and his Denver-hatin’ if you want, but it’s better to be like Mr. Megatron’s favorite Denverite (Jesus) and turn the other cheek by suggesting local activities that will help convince him Denver and Colorado don’t suck. Maybe Mr. Megatron will even hang out with the author of his favorite suggestion and pen his lucky date a haiku or two. – Joel Warner

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Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
Contact: Joel Warner