If Denver was a T-shirt, it would read: I'm with sucking
The best thing about Denver you've discovered is: Various streets and highways make leaving a breeze.
The worst thing about Denver you've discovered is: It's a little unsettling to see the wildlife in the mountains committing suicide.
The folks you run with around the country consider Denver to be: Overrated as Gilligan; which overshadowed his subtle nuanced performance as Maynard G. Krebs on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.
If you could party with one Denverite, it would be: Jesus
What Denver needs to make it a world-class city is: To relocate to Manhattan
The Denver strippers are bad because: Everything I've said about Denver having sub par strippers was false. I take back everything. (I'm hoping this declaration will convince the lynch mob of average strippers that have been camped outside my loft since your article was published to leave me alone -- and to get nose jobs.)
In order to stay here, you would have to be convinced that: Everything I have ever known about happiness was wrong.
Please write a haiku about Denver: oh mile high city dirty, boring, sad and cold at least you're not Englewood
Curse Sunshine and his Denver-hatin’ if you want, but it’s better to be like Mr. Megatron’s favorite Denverite (Jesus) and turn the other cheek by suggesting local activities that will help convince him Denver and Colorado don’t suck. Maybe Mr. Megatron will even hang out with the author of his favorite suggestion and pen his lucky date a haiku or two. – Joel Warner