... Or a personal-injury lawyer, or a stripper, or the doer of some other job that paid me lots of money and required me to live in an audacious downtown loft. The point is, there are lots of vacant apartments around town, according to a story this week in the Denver Post, and I want to live in one of the super gaudy ones. Here are ten of my favorite.
Scarface posters not included.
I'm thinking this particular unit is closer to the $8,000 figure, but worth it, of course, for a concierge, Italian cabinetry, and enough space for you and all your pretentious friends. 2680 Blake Street, $3,800
Doesn't seem worth four grand a month, but keep in mind that you could throw a baseball and hit Dexter Fowler in the back of the head. One Lincoln Park, 2001 Lincoln Avenue, $3,350
Two bedrooms, two-and-a-half baths, and more direct sunshine than the end of an Entourage episode. 1200 Delaware Street, $3,000
Seventeen surfaces to snort coke off of! Beauvallon, $3,950
At 2,300 square feet and directly across the street from the Spicy Pickle, this is perfect, because it's also right across the street from Westword. Then again, no one at Westword can afford it, unless you count the most successful hooker in the back. Which I do. Silver Square Condos, 3317 Blake Street, $3,250
"Community sundeck, grassy courtyard and scooter parking area." If you're paying $3,250 a month and driving a scooter, you may have some misplaced priorities. 2000 Little Raven, $2,975
Two bedrooms, two-and-a-half bathrooms and apparently in an old flour mill, which is cool for reasons I don't really understand. Palace Lofts, 1499 Blake Street, $4000
Why didn't I go to law school again? The Street Car Stables Penthouse, 1720 Wynkoop, $3,000
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SHOW ME HOW
It's funny when an apartment is listed for $3,000 a month and among the featured amenities is "cable-ready." Really? Does it have a garbage disposal, too? Art House Loft, 1453 Delgany Street, $8,500
Located next to the Contemporary Art Museum, this four-bedroom apartment is wallpapered with hundred-dollar bills. Or at least it better be at that price.