... Or a personal-injury lawyer, or a stripper, or the doer of some other job that paid me lots of money and required me to live in an audacious downtown loft. The point is, there are lots of vacant apartments around town, according to a story this week in the Denver Post, and I want to live in one of the super gaudy ones. Here are ten of my favorite.
Scarface posters not included.
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SugarCube Residences, 1555 Blake Street, $1,800 to $8,000 per month I'm thinking this particular unit is closer to the $8,000 figure, but worth it, of course, for a concierge, Italian cabinetry, and enough space for you and all your pretentious friends. 2680 Blake Street, $3,800 Doesn't seem worth four grand a month, but keep in mind that you could throw a baseball and hit Dexter Fowler in the back of the head. One Lincoln Park, 2001 Lincoln Avenue, $3,350 Two bedrooms, two-and-a-half baths, and more direct sunshine than the end of an Entourage episode. 1200 Delaware Street, $3,000 Seventeen surfaces to snort coke off of! Beauvallon, $3,950 At 2,300 square feet and directly across the street from the Spicy Pickle, this is perfect, because it's also right across the street from Westword. Then again, no one at Westword can afford it, unless you count the most successful hooker in the back. Which I do. Silver Square Condos, 3317 Blake Street, $3,250 "Community sundeck, grassy courtyard and scooter parking area." If you're paying $3,250 a month and driving a scooter, you may have some misplaced priorities. 2000 Little Raven, $2,975 Two bedrooms, two-and-a-half bathrooms and apparently in an old flour mill, which is cool for reasons I don't really understand. Palace Lofts, 1499 Blake Street, $4000 Why didn't I go to law school again? The Street Car Stables Penthouse, 1720 Wynkoop, $3,000 It's funny when an apartment is listed for $3,000 a month and among the featured amenities is "cable-ready." Really? Does it have a garbage disposal, too? Art House Loft, 1453 Delgany Street, $8,500 Located next to the Contemporary Art Museum, this four-bedroom apartment is wallpapered with hundred-dollar bills. Or at least it better be at that price.