Ten Things We Hope to See in Colorado's Amazon Bid

The biggest reason to come here? Our governor's thumbs-up.
The biggest reason to come here? Our governor's thumbs-up. Colorado Loves Amazon
As far as we know, Amazon hasn’t made up its mind regarding where it will put its sought-after HQ2, but we know Colorado gussied itself up quite a bit in order to attract the eye of the online retail giant. While most of the deal has remained a state secret, we at least know the efforts included launching the Colorado Loves Amazon campaign, which invited local personalities, companies and the public to upload videos explaining their love for the Centennial State.

But now, thanks to copious open-records requests, Colorado’s pitch is going to become a matter of public record this week. Just how far was Colorado willing to go in order to get Amazon to grace us with its corporate presence? Here are our ten best guesses.

click to enlarge Bye-bye, Dinger. Bye-bye. - YOUTUBE
Bye-bye, Dinger. Bye-bye.
10. Introducing…the Colorado Primes!
Look, the Rockies had a good run, and by “a good run,” we mean 2007. But it’s time to move forward, and if that means offering up naming rights, so be it. Change the team colors to orange and black, put that little arrow on everything, and exchange Dinger the Dinosaur for a giant shipping box with arms and legs. Let us take you out to the ballgame, Amazon-style!

click to enlarge This is one of Denver's totally functioning trains. - AIRBUS 777 AT FLICKR
This is one of Denver's totally functioning trains.
Airbus 777 at Flickr
9. Dedicated Light-Rail Service
While it would be great if HQ2 could be near one of the existing stops — say on the A-line, which is totally working fine all the time and don’t believe anyone who tells you differently — we here in Denver are completely willing to build you a spur of our existing (and again, totally operational) track system so that your employees can be picked up and deposited right at the front doors. It’s the best we can do until those suction tubes like they had on the Jetsons arrive, though we do have that system under development, along with the mandatory — let’s call them “upgrades” — to the totally operational and non-glitchy existing light-rail system.

8. Free Quiznos Fridays!
Our own homegrown sub-shop chain can supply the food for casual Fridays — platters of toasted deli-style goodness to keep your employees happy and not hungry. Bonus: We can provide every break room with its own pepper bar.

This is actually now our town sign. - TOM AT FLICKR
This is actually now our town sign.
Tom at Flickr
7. Pot Discounts
Speaking of homegrown…we don’t know if you’ve heard, Amazon, but Colorado, like, totally legalized private consumption a few years back, and we’re working on legalizing that pesky public-consumption law, too. What’s more, we know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who runs the state legislature who’ll guarantee a 10 percent discount on OTC strains, and a 15 percent discount on edibles for anyone with a legitimate Amazon employee ID.

click to enlarge Stairs are for suckers. - MAMADSUN1 AT FLICKR
Stairs are for suckers.
mamadsun1 at Flickr
6. Amazon-Only Parking Lot at Red Rocks
Not just any parking. We'll give you that upper lot with the roundabout where you don’t have to walk up a skyscraper’s worth of stone steps. Exercise, shmexercise: No one wants to get all shvitzy when their favorite act is about to take the stage. And if all of the folks at Amazon want to put together a wish list of musicians they’d like to see at Red Rocks, I have a feeling something might be arranged faster than you can say "two-day shipping."

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen