But now, thanks to copious open-records requests, Colorado’s pitch is going to become a matter of public record this week. Just how far was Colorado willing to go in order to get Amazon to grace us with its corporate presence? Here are our ten best guesses.
Look, the Rockies had a good run, and by “a good run,” we mean 2007. But it’s time to move forward, and if that means offering up naming rights, so be it. Change the team colors to orange and black, put that little arrow on everything, and exchange Dinger the Dinosaur for a giant shipping box with arms and legs. Let us take you out to the ballgame, Amazon-style!
While it would be great if HQ2 could be near one of the existing stops — say on the A-line, which is totally working fine all the time and don’t believe anyone who tells you differently — we here in Denver are completely willing to build you a spur of our existing (and again, totally operational) track system so that your employees can be picked up and deposited right at the front doors. It’s the best we can do until those suction tubes like they had on the Jetsons arrive, though we do have that system under development, along with the mandatory — let’s call them “upgrades” — to the totally operational and non-glitchy existing light-rail system.
8. Free Quiznos Fridays!
Our own homegrown sub-shop chain can supply the food for casual Fridays — platters of toasted deli-style goodness to keep your employees happy and not hungry. Bonus: We can provide every break room with its own pepper bar.
Speaking of homegrown…we don’t know if you’ve heard, Amazon, but Colorado, like, totally legalized private consumption a few years back, and we’re working on legalizing that pesky public-consumption law, too. What’s more, we know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who runs the state legislature who’ll guarantee a 10 percent discount on OTC strains, and a 15 percent discount on edibles for anyone with a legitimate Amazon employee ID.
Not just any parking. We'll give you that upper lot with the roundabout where you don’t have to walk up a skyscraper’s worth of stone steps. Exercise, shmexercise: No one wants to get all shvitzy when their favorite act is about to take the stage. And if all of the folks at Amazon want to put together a wish list of musicians they’d like to see at Red Rocks, I have a feeling something might be arranged faster than you can say "two-day shipping."