Ten Weird-A$$ Places Donald Trump Should Visit in Denver, Colorado Springs

When Donald Trump visited Colorado back on July 1, he had a no-good, very bad day. But that didn't dissuade him from returning to our fair state four short weeks later.

The Republican presidential nominee is scheduled to make two appearances here today — a town hall at the University of Colorado-Colorado Springs' Gallogly Events Center at 2 p.m. and a rally at Wings Over the Rockies Air & Space Museum in Denver at 7 p.m.

That's a pretty tight schedule, but we still think Trump could squeeze in a few other stops. So we picked out five apiece from Colorado Springs and Denver that are specifically tailored to his "special" qualities.

Yeah, they're weird. But Trump lovers and haters can agree that he is, too. Count down our top ten below.

Number 10: May Natural History Museum
Colorado Springs

The May Natural History Museum boasts of housing the world's largest private insect collection, featuring more than 7,000 species of spiders, scorpions, butterflies, moths and more. Even better, it's easy to find thanks to Herkimer, a giant beetle sculpture on display outside the museum that would be a perfect mascot for Trump's campaign. After all, Herkimer is 'uuuuuuuuge!

Number 9: Wynkoop Brewing Co. — for a can of Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout
Denver

Trump is always trying to prove that he's got more balls than any other presidential candidate — or human being — ever. And what better way to do so than by guzzling down a can of Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout, which, according to the company, is "made with Colorado base malts, roasted barley, seven specialty malts, Styrian Goldings hops, and 25 pounds of freshly sliced and roasted bull testicles." And Trump knows his bull.

Number 8: Cave of the Winds Mountain Park
Manitou Springs

Not only is the scenery at Cave of the Winds Mountain Park absolutely spectacular, but the winds themselves would provide an irresistible challenge to The Donald, especially this time of year — a chance to prove that nothing or no one blows more hot air than he does.

Number 7: Lakeside Amusement Park's Wild Chipmunk
Lakeside

For a lot of us, there's no scarier attraction on the planet than Lakeside's Wild Chipmunk, in part because it constantly seems to be on the verge of falling apart. Could it be a metaphor for a Trump presidency? We doubt he'd see it that way — but it still would do him good to preview the crazy ride that he could take America on a few short months from now.

Number 6: Cheyenne Mountain Nuclear Bunker
Cheyenne Mountain

There's no need for Trump to sweat explosive foreign policy statements thanks to this facility, which is said to have been designed to withstand a thirty megaton nuclear blast from just two kilometers away. As a bonus, there's lots of room for Trump and his entire family. If all life above ground is wiped out, he and Melania are ready, willing and able to get started on repopulating the planet.

Continue for five more weird-ass places Donald Trump should visit in Denver and Colorado Springs.


Number 5: Blue Mustang
Denver International Airport

The Blue Mustang is just like Trump: strong, fierce, constantly enraged. And their eyes actually look pretty similar.

Number 4: Dragonmans
Colorado Springs

Dragonmans has pretty much everything that might appeal to the Second Amendment-loving demographic Trump will need to win the presidency this November, including firearms, a gun range and a military museum that celebrates America's might. There's even a Hitler room, although we might suggest that Trump skip it. Don't want him getting any ideas.

Number 3: Bannock and Arizona, Denver's dankest intersection

Trump has been talking for months about what he calls "big problems" with Colorado's legalization of limited recreational marijuana sales — but he doesn't seem to have stuck his nose any deeper into the issue than that. One way to sniff out the truth would be to visit the intersection at Bannock and Arizona, which is surrounded by marijuana grows that create a cannabis-scented vortex absolutely heady to experience. We're not sure if a whiff of the area will convince Trump that he should be more pro-pot — but at least it should mellow him out for a few minutes.

Number 2: Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs

Trump doesn't appear to be what most of us would describe as a religious man. That's why he picked Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate — so Pence could shoulder the faith load for the two of them. But there's no better way for Trump to pretend that he cares about evangelicals for any reason beyond their votes than to hang out at Focus' welcome center for a few minutes and try to turn his perpetual pout into a look of piety. Best of luck with that....

Number 1: "National Velvet" on the Highland Pedestrian Bridge
Denver

Self-portrait? Or separated at birth?