The Real Results of the Colorado Caucuses

While other reporters were wasting their time on Super Tuesday night tracking useless information like exit polls and delegate counts, the crack political team at Westword was focused on the issues the matter: namely, which Democratic candidate’s political apparatus throws a better post-caucus party. After a sleepless night of number crunching and data analysis, here are our certified results:

Location Hillary: The basement of Lola, in the heart of Highland. Gentrification, anyone? Obama: The Hipsterific Ogden Theater on Colfax. Pass the PBR! Winner: Obama

Turnout Hillary: A few dozen, or in other words approximately the same number of people who voted for her in the Colorado caucuses. Obama: About three hundred, though some of these people may have thought they were going to see a Tesla show. Winner: Obama in a landslide.

Demographics Hillary: An odd mix of middle-aged women, middle-aged hispanic men, young gay guys and Wellington Webb, the crowd made up for its lack of exuberance with a decently diverse showing. Obama: All over the board, but trending toward young. Most attendees couldn’t say the word “caucus” without collapsing into immature giggling. Winner: Tie.

Free stuff Hillary: Good chips and the best guacamole in Denver. Obama: A DayGlo “Miller Light” wrist band noting you’re 21 but, sadly, the drinks were sold at standard Ogden Theater prices (six dollars for a ten-ounce Pilsner Urquell). Winner: Hillary

Special Guest Stars Hillary: Former Denver mayor Wellington Webb made an appearance, along with Congresswoman Diana Degette. Obama: The Obama entourage was led Former Denver mayor Federico Pena, Senate President Peter Groff, current city council people Paul Lopez and Carla Madison, and Congressman Mark Udall and Ed Perlmutter were among those who showed up in support. Westword’s What’s So Funny also wants you to know he was there, but he thought he was attending a Tesla show. Winner: Obama

Hotties Hillary: We couldn't decide if the bar staff counted or not. Obama: Slightly fewer than your average Tesla show. Winner: Obama

Rabble Rousing Hillary: After she was predicted to win in California, the crowd broke out into a cheerleader routine in which they sang the spelling of their candidate’s name: “H… I… L, L… A, R, Y!” They then grabbed jump ropes and broke out in “Miss Mary Mack.” Overall the crowd was lethargic; these people really know how to nurse a pinot noir. Maybe it was the mood lighting or the overall lounge atmosphere of Lola, but this crowd was more what you might have expected from the Romney party at the Parker TGI Friday's. Obama: Federico Pena stood at a podium and launched into a frothy inspirational speech. “Is this campaign different?” he asked as the crowd hollered yes. “Come November, we want to say Colorado voted for the Next President of the United States, Barack Obama!” he continued as the jubilant crowd ate it up. All that was missing was a rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me, Colordo.” There was a little bit of that certain something in the air at this party, a certain social electricity that the Hillary party lacked. The equation probably breaks down something like this: booze+attractive young people+big turnout+rock venue+Tesla=actual party atmosphere. Winner: Obama

The X Factor We tested partygoers’ social dexterity by asking them a totally inappropriate question: “What would your candidates’ porn star name be?” The Hillary supporters were mostly taken aback by the proposition, some because nobody had ever before cornered them to talk about pornography in the romantically lit basement of a Coastal Mexican restaurant, others because the thought of a Hillary money shot took them to uncharted and unwanted mental image territory. Only one responded. The Obama supporters seemed to have all played some version of a porn-star-name generating game before and were better equipped to disassociate the candidate from the cinematic sex trade. Or, unhindered by sexual hang-ups, and at least curious about the prospect of a de-robed and thrusting senator from Illinois, Obama supporters were willing put their brains to work on this important assignment. Hillary supporter: “I don’t want to imagine that.” Obama supporter: “Lefty Poler.” Winner: Obama

Overall Winner: Hopefully you, for not bothering to attend either of these sad-sack shindigs.

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