The top four toys that could kill you -- or lower your sperm count

It's Cyber Monday, a date that sounds as if it should be associated with discounted internet porn and not Christmas shopping -- but so be it.

And just in time for the holiday shopping season, the happy elves at the U.S. Public Research Interest Group -- whose Colorado chapter, COPIRG, is based in Denver -- have released their annual "Trouble in Toyland" report. The document is a friendly accounting of which toys can cause your kids to choke, lose their hearing or have a low sperm count, which is every parent's worst nightmare.

(To read what the manufacturers of the allegedly dangerous toys have to say, check out this story on CNNMoney.com.)

So, concerned parents, here's a list of four toys to avoid this holiday season. Your kids -- and their sperm -- will thank you.

Disney's Toy Story Pizza Planet Gift Pak, by Mattel USPIRG says kids can apparently choke on Woody. The doll, you perv.

Alligator Cell Phone Charm, by Claire's USPIRG says the charm contains lead. Which is only a problem if you're biting it, right?

Kota and Pals Stompers Triceratops, by Playskool USPIRG says this dinosaur is too loud. I said too loud!

Elmo Lunch Bag, by Fast Forward New York USPRIG says the lunch bag contains toxic chemicals that can cause genital deformities, early onset puberty and lower sperm counts. Which is a long way of saying a lifetime spent sounding like Elmo.

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