The "Welcome Back Haggard" Theme Song

When Mr. Kotter came back to Brooklyn, he was welcomed by the Sweathogs with open arms… eventually. Maybe that same thing will happen between Ted Haggard and the congregation of the New Life Church, which he once led. Hey, with a name like “New Life Church,” they’ve got to be pretty accepting of folks wanting a do-over, right? And Haggard is reportedly back in the area now, having returned to Colorado Springs from recovery in Arizona, where he was subjected to an intense “restoration plan” that included Bible study, prayer and frank talks. He’ll be looking for a place of worship, one would imagine.

So when Pastor Ted comes a-swaggering back into the sanctuary (if not the pulpit) of the New Life Church, here’s what the choir might (or should, anyway) be singing:

Welcome back, Gay sex was your ticket out

Welcome back, To that same old stuff that you lied about

Well the drugs have all changed since you sniffed ‘em up, And the men who massaged have since given y’up

But who’d have thought you’d need ta (who’d have thought you’d need ta) Come back where ya did the deed, yeah! (where you did the deed, yeah!)

Yeah, meth and hot guys and that spot ‘tween their thighs, Welcome back

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back... -- Teague Bohlen

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts