Politics

Things that Won’t Be at the Presidential Memorabilia Exhibit

The American Presidential Experience, the largest traveling presentation of presidential memorabilia, will set up shop in Invesco Field’s parking lot during the convention. Here are some of the items you will not see at the exhibit:

-Back-up set of George Washington’s false teeth with MO DOLLAZ spelled out in diamonds. -Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello fuck swing. -Renderings of Andrew Jackson’s stomach tattoo: Words “Old Hickory” and arrow to where sun don’t shine. -Menagerie of stuffed birds and small mammals found trapped in Martin Van Buren’s sideburns. -William Henry Harrison’s 32nd day-in-office journal entry. (Snap! Because he died after 31 days in office! Oh, don’t think we won’t go there, bitches!) -Lithograph of Abraham Lincoln dunking over Jefferson Davis, misplaced after inaugural Yankee/Rebel Charity Pick-Up Game. -William Howard Taft’s wide-bottom, personally-contoured chamber pot. -Original transcript of famous JFK speech in which he implores Americans to “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how you can afford not to buy a new pair of quality Michelin tires?” -Lyndon B. Johnson’s prized '45 of puppies barking “Jingle Bells.” -Section of Watergate tapes where Nixon tries his hand at beatboxing. -Draft of the Ronald Reagan cookbook: 100 Delicious Stem Cell Recipes! -Recording of dramatic confrontation between George H.W. Bush and George W.: Go fix me a turkey pot pie. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. Dad, what about you? Fuck you. -Drawings of Barack Obama’s alternative faux presidential seal: Apple logo next to word, “iBama.” -XXL T-shirt worn by Bill Clinton that reads, “Don’t blame me, she’s the President!” -- The Westword Convention Team

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Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
Contact: Joel Warner

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