Everybody loves a good, home-grown sex scandal. Especially scandals that involve Evangelical Christians, bestiality, horny moms and naughty schoolteachers. (Not all at once, sadly.)
Colorado has played host to its fair share of salaciousness this past decade. Here, we look back at the sex acts that made us say "Hmmmmm." Or "Yuck." Or "Really? A penis on a pool table?"
10. Michael Garcia's Penis Flash Rep. Michael Garcia was an up-and-coming Democrat in the state legislature when, in January 2008, he derailed his political career by making lewd comments to a female lobbyist about, uh, up-and-coming.
The two were playing pool at the Lancer Lounge after a fundraiser when Garcia unzipped his pants and, to quote the lobbyist, "pulled everything out." He then asked the lobbyist, "Wouldn't this be real nice inside of you?"
She apparently didn't think so, because she reported the Aurora Democrat -- who insisted the encounter was consensual -- to the House Speaker, whose office took the liberty of announcing Garcia's resignation.
9. Gustavo Castanon's Blow Job In September 2007, animal-shelter volunteer Gustavo Castanon was arrested for trying to use a PB&J to get a BJ -- from a dog. A shelter employee spotted the 33-year-old Denver man with his pants down, using peanut butter to coax a basset hound into performing fellatio.
Castanon, who had previously pleaded guilty to unlawful public indecency in Cheesman Park, again pleaded guilty, this time to animal cruelty. He was given two years' probation and was ordered to never again coax an animal into giving him a beej, as if the wrongness of doing so needed to be made clearer.
8. The Naked Pumpkin Runners' Run Stripping naked, putting a jack-o-lantern on your head and running down Boulder's Pearl Street Mall on Halloween with all your junk bouncing up and down may not seem like the brightest idea. But does it warrant being labeled a sex offender alongside child molesters, priests who jog naked (we're talking about you, Rev. Robert Whipkey) and creepy trenchcoat flashers?
The Boulder police sure thought so when they ticketed twelve runners on Halloween 2008 for indecent exposure, a crime that requires those convicted of it to register as sex offenders. None of the twelve was ultimately found guilty, but the heavy-handed tactic effectively quashed the nude run.
7. The Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News's Joint Operating Agreement In 2001, our fair city's warring daily newspapers, the Denver Post and the Rocky Mountain News, engaged in some consensual rag-on-rag action by forming a "joint operating agreement," or JOA, a cost-cutting move that created a partnership known as the Denver Newspaper Agency and allowed the papers to combine business functions. It was hailed as a way to save the "failing" Rocky.
But it didn't work as planned, mostly due to the Internet, that dastardly 21st-century stealer of advertising. The JOA couldn't keep both papers afloat and earlier this year, the Rocky folded. A cautionary tale to still-living newspapers everywhere: Be careful who you bed.
6. The Exploits of Mayor Hickenlooper's Robe The mayor may not have cavorted with any $300-an-hour prostitutes at the exclusive Denver Club, a squash and social club that offered more than squash and socializing, but his robe sure did.
In the midst of a 2008 investigation into dirty after-hours deeds done at the club, a former prostitute admitted that one night, the ladies found a robe belonging to Mayor John Hickenlooper in the locker room and took turns wearing it. It's unclear whether Hickenlooper was ever the wiser ...
5. Kobe Bryant's Hotel Sex L.A. Lakers star Kobe Bryant came to Colorado in 2003 for knee surgery -- and left with a rape charge. Bryant was accused of raping a 19-year-old employee at a swanky hotel in Eagle; he admitted having sex with her but said it was consensual. The criminal case was eventually dropped, but not until it made a million and one headlines and inspired his accuser to freestyle rap about the alleged assault, rhyming "towels" with "bowels."
4. Carrie McCandless' Makeout Session What happens when "one of the prettiest ladies in school" dry-humps a 17-year-old student on a field trip to Estes Park? The same thing that happens when an ugly lady does it: she gets arrested. That's exactly what happened to pretty-lady Carrie McCandless, a teacher -- and wife of the principal! -- at Brighton Collegiate High School. McCandless pleaded guilty to kissing and groping a 17-year-old boy on a school trip in October 2006.
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
3. Silvia Johnson's Orgies Even more egregious than grown women dry-humping teenage boys is grown women providing teenage boys with liquor, meth, blow jobs and sex -- as in the case of Arvada mom Silvia Johnson. Johnson told police she acted like a MILF because she wanted to be a "cool mom." Doing so apparently involved teenage boys from Arvada West High School, where her eldest daughter was a student in 2003, lots of KY Jelly, Bacardi and lessons on how to snort meth through dollar bills. In the end, a 30-year jail sentence prevented Johnson from raising her three kids at all.
2. Edward Nottingham's Hooker Sex Chief U.S. District Judge Edward Nottingham sure was naughty. (It's almost too easy, right?) The list of his alleged misdeeds is long -- and it eventually caught up to him in late 2008, when he resigned amid a misconduct investigation. The allegations? That he frequented prostitutes, spent $3,000 on strippers in a single night and once yelled at a woman in a wheelchair after she admonished him for illegally parking in a handicapped spot. Shame on you, Nottingham. Not that we're judging you or anything. (See what I mean? Too easy!)
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1. Ted Haggard's Massages Oh, Pastor Ted, where do we begin? With the male escort? The gay sex? The meth? The "massages"?
America's Evangelical Christian movement was shaken when, in November 2006, one of its stars, Pastor Ted Haggard of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, resigned amid allegations that he had for several years been having gay sex with a hunky male escort from Denver named Mike Jones while at the same time preaching that homosexuality was a sin.
At first, Haggard denied all of it. But he eventually confessed to getting massages from Jones. He also said he'd bought meth from him because he was curious -- but had never used it.
Haggard left Colorado after the scandal broke, but -- lucky for us! -- he's since returned and has begun hosting prayer meetings in his Colorado Springs home. Here's hoping (and praying) for some more gay-sex scandals in 2010.