Top Ten other injuries Brandon Marshall can fake

Although Broncos wideout (and past Shmuck of the Week) Brandon Marshall has made it mondo-clear that he wants to be traded, he's attending training camp anyhow -- presumably because he doesn't want to fork over thousands of dollars in daily fines if he skipped out on the sessions. Yesterday, however, he reportedly tweaked his hamstring toward the end of practice, making his participation in future scrimmages doubtful, at least in the immediate future.

Now, we're not claiming that Marshall phonied up this ailment to further amplify his message of unhappiness to team ownership. Oh, no: Perish the thought. But just in case doctors give him the go-ahead to return to the field -- and if he really, really doesn't want to do it -- here are ten more injuries he can pretend to have:

10. A damaged toe caused by kicking his agent in the ass for not getting him out of his shitty deal.

9. Sore facial muscles from having to prevent his face from breaking into the sort of frown he'd prefer to be wearing 24/7.

8. A strained voice due to loud announcements about how much he hates Denver, as made to cops busting him for driving under the influence.

7. Hearing problems that prevent him from catching all the nasty things Broncos fans are saying about him these days.

6. Cuts on his hands from smashing TVs showing ESPN reports about his alleged acts of domestic violence.

5. Mental confusion over unsuccessfully trying to find teammates who were on last year's roster.

4. Tender fingers from typing goodbye-to-Denver messages on his personal website.

3. Sore legs, as a result of running away from local media.

2. Strained biceps, from having to carry his massive ego.

1. A complete lack of heart.

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts