Commentary

Seven Other Crimes Possibly Perpetrated by Walker Stapleton’s Nannies

Walker and Jenna Stapleton, notably missing sippy cups.
Walker and Jenna Stapleton, notably missing sippy cups. YouTube
In 2015, current Republican gubernatorial candidate Walker Stapleton and his wife, Jenna, traveled a lot and left their three children in the care of various nannies. But according to the Stapletons, the nannies behaved badly, allegedly stealing an assortment of things, including cash, some jewelry, a hat, a belt, hair ribbons, a sippy cup, underpants. You know, the usual.

Sure, Jenna told the Greenwood Village Police that it was a “large household” and it could be “sometimes be difficult to keep track of specific items.” But when a single earring or a few pairs of boxers goes missing, what else are you going to think but that your nanny has sticky fingers? Occam’s razor, people. Occam’s razor.

The Stapleton nannies are probably guilty of a lot more than that, if you ask the Stapletons, who are themselves paragons of honesty. Here are just some of what could be their completely well-reasoned suspicions regarding what happened when they were away from home. 


Risky Business-Style Dancing in Stapleton's Great-Grandfather’s Klan Robes
Everyone knows to expect some relatively innocent rule-breaking when you leave your home in someone else’s charge. Maybe some of the food in the fridge disappears; maybe the music gets turned up too loud; maybe someone has a guest (or 46) over when they shouldn’t. Still, it's one thing to dance around someone’s ridiculously large stucco McMansion (oversized by the Stapletons' own admission!) while pantsless and in socks. But sliding into the Stapleton living room to the chords of Bob Seger’s "Old Time Rock and Roll" while wearing the Stapleton family Klan robes? Absolutely criminal. Those are supposed to stay in the closet, where the campaign desperately wants to keep them.



Witchcraft
Look for Walker Stapleton to go up against witchcraft and occult practices pretty hard in his first term. How else can you explain the disappearance of hair ribbons and a single earring, other than to summon the dead or demonic? This will all culminate in the upcoming new campaign slogan: Walker Stapleton…BURN THE WITCH!


Participation in Nanny Gangs

Them are mean streets out there in Greenwood Village and Highlands Ranch and all those other nanny-centric areas of the Denver metro, filled with roving gangs of nannies pushing their jogging strollers and constantly checking their watches to see how much time has passed in their interminable days. Oh, sure, they watch the kids and all…but there’s also a lot of finger-snapping and dancing and singing — and then someone ends up with a knife in the gut.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen