In 2015, current Republican gubernatorial candidate Walker Stapleton and his wife, Jenna, traveled a lot and left their three children in the care of various nannies. But according to the Stapletons, the nannies behaved badly, allegedly stealing an assortment of things, including cash, some jewelry, a hat, a belt, hair ribbons, a sippy cup, underpants. You know, the usual.
Sure, Jenna told the Greenwood Village Police that it was a “large household” and it could be “sometimes be difficult to keep track of specific items.” But when a single earring or a few pairs of boxers goes missing, what else are you going to think but that your nanny has sticky fingers? Occam’s razor, people. Occam’s razor.
The Stapleton nannies are probably guilty of a lot more than that, if you ask the Stapletons, who are themselves paragons of honesty. Here are just some of what could be their completely well-reasoned suspicions regarding what happened when they were away from home.
Risky Business-Style Dancing in Stapleton's Great-Grandfather’s Klan Robes
Everyone knows to expect some relatively innocent rule-breaking when you leave your home in someone else’s charge. Maybe some of the food in the fridge disappears; maybe the music gets turned up too loud; maybe someone has a guest (or 46) over when they shouldn’t. Still, it's one thing to dance around someone’s ridiculously large stucco McMansion (oversized by the Stapletons' own admission!) while pantsless and in socks. But sliding into the Stapleton living room to the chords of Bob Seger’s "Old Time Rock and Roll" while wearing the Stapleton family Klan robes? Absolutely criminal. Those are supposed to stay in the closet, where the campaign desperately wants to keep them.
Look for Walker Stapleton to go up against witchcraft and occult practices pretty hard in his first term. How else can you explain the disappearance of hair ribbons and a single earring, other than to summon the dead or demonic? This will all culminate in the upcoming new campaign slogan: Walker Stapleton…BURN THE WITCH!
Participation in Nanny Gangs
Them are mean streets out there in Greenwood Village and Highlands Ranch and all those other nanny-centric areas of the Denver metro, filled with roving gangs of nannies pushing their jogging strollers and constantly checking their watches to see how much time has passed in their interminable days. Oh, sure, they watch the kids and all…but there’s also a lot of finger-snapping and dancing and singing — and then someone ends up with a knife in the gut.
A Vast Underwear-Smuggling Ring
It’s not widely known outside of conservative Pizzagate-level circles, but there’s a disturbing conspiracy involving the nannies of the famous (and semi-famous) and important (and those who just think they are): undergarment swiping. No one knows what secret political cabal might be behind it, or how they might benefit from such a plot — perhaps to use as planted evidence someday? Or to harvest their DNA for some unknown nether-region purpose, like human cloning? Still, the Stapletons are well aware of the danger. Rumor has it that there’s a great nanny-sourced underground vault of powerful underpants somewhere in Canada, which at least would explain Donald's Trump’s recent behavior toward Justin Trudeau.
Stealing Stapleton’s Zima
Stapleton was a huge fan of Zima; he stockpiled it like he was Elaine Benes and Zima was the Today Sponge. Previously, all Walker had to worry about was whether or not a guest was Zima-worthy. But now his hoard of the remarkably refreshing clear malt beverages that he keeps at a perfect 55 degrees in the mini-fridges down in the wine cellar…well, the darn stuff just keeps disappearing. And it’s tough to replace: Even with the beverage being tested again recently, Stapleton has to work connections in Japan to get enough, and the Zima black market is pretty draconian. Are the nannies swilling it or selling it? Stapleton doesn’t know, but he is certain they are responsible.
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SHOW ME HOW
For some reason, those teddy-bear nanny cams that the Stapletons learned all about through their constant binge-watching of the seminal reality show Cheaters just aren’t working as they should. Instead of showing the nannies committing all the crimes that they must be squeezing between the light housecleaning, laundry, cooking and child care, the dumb things are just showing the nannies in question...doing light housecleaning, laundry, cooking and child care.
Yes, it might not be a crime yet, but give Trump — and Walker Stapleton — a chance.