Ask a Mexican

What are lemons and limes called in Spanish?

Dear Mexican: Can you help me unravel the citrus dilemma? When I am in Mexico or a Mexican restaurant or market, I am unable to find lemons (yellow, egg-sized tart-tasting fruits). When I ask, I get green-colored fruits that look and taste like limes (green, smaller-than-egg-sized tart-tasting fruits). I understand that there are Persian limes and Key limes (smaller, sweeter-tasting). But what are limones, which they sell in the markets? I thought limón was a marketing creation by Sprite/7UP, a blend of lemon and lime juices. Have the genetically modifying corporate food scientists succeeded in creating a limón, and why is it only available in Hispanic markets? Please enlighten me, so my future father-in-law will stop referring to me as El Cabrón!
La Chupacabra

Dear Gabacho: Why Mexicans call the limes used in our cooking limones when the Royal Spanish Academy calls them limas is probably the most confounding question for mexicanos after why Pancho Villa insisted on using nineteenth-century military tactics at the Battle of Celaya. And the answer boils down to agricultural terms used in Mexico.

"If you want a lemon in the motherland, you have to ask for limón amarillo," explains Alfonso Cano, founder and CEO of 1810 Revolutionary Clothing, which all aspiring Mexican boxers and MMA-ers should wear. Cano has worked in produce for years, and agrees that the etymological controversy "drives people crazy. Limón Persa is the actual wording used to signify what Americans call limes. If you ask for a lima in Mexico, you will most likely be getting a sweet lime — what Americans call a Key lime, which we call lima dulce or limón criollo."

Dear Mexican: Okay, so I'm probably a puta. I've had countless partners, a sizable percentage of whom were Mexican. Anglo and black men fuck about the same way: slow to fast, ending with a big blow. Mexican men start like a jackrabbit, banging away at 150 humps a minute. Is it something cultural, inherited, or just a rush to finish?
Mamo la Pinga

Dear Gabacha: Chula, you ain't no whore just 'cause you like to sleep with men. But I have to wonder about your choice of chorizo, because the stats just don't reflect your notion that men want to finish muy pronto rápido arriba arriba. For instance, a 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey study conducted by the University of Chicago found that the prevalence of premature ejaculation among gabachos, negritos and wabs was 19, 34 and 27 percent, respectively, which means our hombres can hold out pretty good, jackrabbit sexo and all.

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Gustavo Arellano
Contact: Gustavo Arellano