Picture this commercial: In a split screen, two attractive young women are both in rumpled beds with the silhouette of a man in the shower behind them. The girls talk into the phone at the same time:
Girl 1: "Did you..." Girl 2: "We did..." Girl 1: "It was.." Girl 2: "How was..." Giggle Girl 1: "Let's just meet for brunch!" Girl 2: "Great, where should we go?" Girl 1 and Girl 2 at the same time: "Burger King!!!"
Cut to the girls wearing dresses and heels in a Burger King dining room, laughing and clinking paper cups with the freaky King face on them.
This scene could be happening right now in one of the test markets, Massachusetts and Florida, where Burger King is rolling out a brunch menu. New offerings include a new breakfast sandwich of eggs, cheese, tomato, ham, bacon and smoky tomato sauce served on ciabatta bread.
A couple of questions:
1. Ham and bacon? At what point did we decide that a real breakfast had to include not one but two kinds of pig ass?
2. What, exactly, are you using to smoke up that tomato sauce, BK? All I can picture is a bag of sauce hanging in the employee smoking area, absorbing the sweet, sweet aroma of Kool cigarettes before it goes on my breakfast.
The most insulting part of this whole marketing ruse is the BK mimosa. The blasphemous bastards are serving a cup of OJ and Sprite and putting a sacred cocktail's name on it. What's next, a McDonald's McTini that's just a cup of water with two floating olives?
There is some good news for those of us who just can't wait until 11 a.m. to get diarrhea, though -- the brunch menu includes Whoppers! Bizarrely, BK's brunch is only served until 10:30 a.m., the same time as its normal breakfast ends. This could inspire an awesome tag line for the whole campaign: "Burger King: We take the "unch" out of "brunch!"
For more sounding off on Burger King from the Weege Board, click here.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.