City Grille

There are many unanswered questions in this world. For example, why don't heavier things fall faster? Why is there any debate about Ward Churchill's job status? Why didn't Sanjaya get voted off quicker? Why do I know the name Sanjaya? How do I stop my daughter from reaching puberty? Why have they not given the guy (duh, you know it was a guy) who invented HDTV the Nobel Prize? Why do I insist on drinking liquor with the Redneck Liaison when I know it will only hurt me? And finally, just who does have the best burger in Denver?

We hadn't planned on going out this night because time is getting short, but then a serendipitous event occurred. (Confession: Serendipity may be a chick flick, but I like it because of John Cusack and the delicious Kate Beckinsale.) We were taking the little man for a walk because a stroller is like crack for a baby (as are pacifiers, mobiles, boobs and pretty much anything they can stick in their mouths), and ended up running into the angelic wife of the Redneck Liaison, who invited us to come and sample their new mojito recipe. We hemmed and hawed and ended up declining. She drove off, and no more than five seconds later, we turned and walked as quickly as we could toward their house. A couple of mojitos later, we recognized that while it was important to spend time with close friends while we can, it was also important to eat. So we headed to CityGrille (321 East Colfax Avenue), which claims to have the best burger in town.

CityGrille is a cool little bar/restaurant that's quiet enough for your inappropriate comments to be heard above everyone else's. There are also plenty of TVs so you can catch the game. You can sample from one of fifty tequilas, too, if you want your burger to revisit you later that evening. And the entire place caters to simpletons like us: Everything is advertised on big chalkboards in multiple colors so your eye is easily caught and your stunted attention span is constantly tested. Since this was Monday, we could participate in Burger Madness: a cheap burger with a PBR attached.

While we waited for our burgers, we continued to sample the stiff mixed drinks, and also ordered a few Flying Dog Doggie Style beers, just because it was fun to say the name. Our conversation soon drifted to bosoms, for some reason — probably because the Redneck and I are pigs, but also because I think one of the wives made the mistake of mentioning breastfeeding. Off to the races, we touched on augmentation, reduction, presentation, appropriateness and utility; the conversation carried on far longer than it should have, because the women felt it necessary to offer their opinions. While there were subtle differences between the Redneck and me regarding exact preferences, we were able to agree that there is nothing that boobs can't make better. This is why people (like me) rave about Hooters' wings.

I just wish we could have gotten a side of bosom with our burger. Don't get me wrong — the CityGrille burger was okay, but it wasn't the best in town. The burger's most notable feature is the bun it comes on: doughy, chewy bread that soaks up alcohol and can sustain or constipate you for days. Still, the night was not a disappointment. It's important to explore life's mysteries and try to answer the important questions.

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Patrick Osborn