Coors pulls Sparks off the market, drunk teens everywhere cry caffeinated tears

Bowing to pressure from attorneys general and advocacy groups, MillerCoors announced it is removing the caffeinated magic from its alcho-energy drink Sparks. It's a sad, sad day for amateur drinkers looking for that perfect mix between booze, a double-espresso and Sweet Tarts.

Luckily, I was able to spot a dusty can of the stuff (pictured) from the mountain of promotional crap known as Jason Sheehan's desk. Who knows how long the can of "premium malt beverage" has been there -- years, at least. Not that it matters, considering the print on the label lists its ingredients as: "caffeine-citric acid blend, taurine, guarana-siverian ginseng blend, natural and artificial flavor unit, certified color and FD&C yellow number 5."

MillerCoors will pull the caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng from the concoction, which will effectively neuter the drink into obscurity. We here at Westword have always been fascinated with the beverage industry's drive to develop a better wine cooler or energy drink. Sparks was the perfect hybrid of the two.

The question now is what to do with the many-year-old promotional Sparks can? Should we keep it on Sheehan's desk for future generations of high school interns to drool over, or should we force our fast-talking food critic to down it at the next writer's meeting and write his impression in a blog?

First five comments either way win. - Jared Jacang Maher

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