Fifteen Funky Food-Related Gifts for the Holidays

So you’re hard up for gift ideas this year, like you are every year, because ‘tis the season to stress over who gets what on your holiday list. You don’t know what anyone wants, so shopping sucks. You want to look like you’ve put some thought into it, so cash is out. And let’s face it: those homemade gourd-Santas that you made that one year just made everyone feel sorry for you.

But here’s the thing: everyone eats. (This is also the title of the prequel to the classic children’s book Everyone Poops.) And bonus: everyone likes to be weird now and again. So put those two facts together, and voila: weird food gifts just might be the way to go. They’re foolproof; at best, they’re the perfect thing someone didn’t know they wanted. At worst, they’re a Spencers-Gifts-level joke that could elicit a genuine laugh. Either way: winner winner, Christmas dinner.
1. Bacon Scented Underwear
This is one of those gifts that you really hope is a joke. Because unless you’re into some alternative lifestyle in which strangers tend to take you up on an offer, bacon-scented or not, to smell your crotch, I’m guessing that you won’t have many takers. Instead, I think the best you can expect is something along the lines of “I’m gonna just trust you on that one, chief.”
2. Ninjabread Men Cookie Cutters
Everyone has that one person in their life who claims to know martial arts, but clearly has more experience with cookies.
3. TIE Fighter Nutcracker
Any product that advertises itself by inviting you to “crack your very own nuts for the Empire” has to be worth something for the Star Wars fan in your life. This might be a cool nutcracker, but it’s also the least popular recruitment slogan for Stormtroopers.
4. "I Like Pig Butts and I Cannot Lie" Cutting Board
Given his ample knightly girth, Sir Mix-a-Lot would most certainly approve. Also, come to think of it, so would Kermit the Frog.
5. Ex Skewer Set
The one thing relish trays have always been missing: the opportunity to impale someone once you’ve downed that gherkin.
6. Crime Scene Trivet
Look, if that hamburger casserole that your great-aunt just won’t stop bringing to family potlucks makes you want to die, you might as well give her something that will subtly give her that impression. Or if not her, everyone else who takes an obligatory scoop from the gruesome Pyrex murder scene.
7. Dishwasher Flip Sign
For that person in your life who’s always on Facebook, this thumbs-up symbol can let them “like” a dishwasher full of clean dishes. Just maybe, it can lure the online addict away from the laptop long enough to realize the beauty of a clean kitchen — and slowly bring them back into the real world. Consider it social-media methadone.
8. Monkey-Picked Tea
This has to be the end result of some pretty serious monkey abuse, isn’t it? Also, I don’t want to drink anything made from stuff monkeys have gathered. I’d actually pay money to drink something with the guarantee that monkeys have never been anywhere near it.
9. Dinner with Lecter
Sure, it’s a little grisly, but this might be a fantastic gift for the aspiring serial-murdering cannibal in your life. (And really, you want to keep those folks on your good side.)
10. Jesus Shaves Mug
Great for that semi-religious person in your life that doesn’t really go to church anymore, but won’t take the fish off the back of that used car they just bought. (Bonus points if you know they named this product after one of David Sedaris’s most hilarious essays.)
11. YolkFish
Because I think we’ve all thought to ourselves “you know, I really need to separate these yolks from these egg whites, but I just don’t have anything domestically aquatic with which to do it…”
12. Flump Face
Yes, it’s your head as a giant two-dimensional marshmallow. This might be delicious, and at the same time might be an invitation for the most passive-aggressive s’more ever crafted.
13. Skull Egg Mold
What is it about eggs that makes us want to fuck with them so much? Maybe it’s the pre-conditioning from Easter messing with our heads. And speaking of heads: eggs shaped like human skulls. Great for goths, taxidermists, and brain surgeons.
14. Kill It & Grill It: The Ted Nugent Cookbook
Former rocker and current idiot Ted Nugent came out with this book on how to shoot stuff and then pretend that you didn’t do it just because you wanted to kill something. (Also, did you know that Ted Nugent’s wife is named Shemane? I didn’t either, but somehow, I don’t think she could have been named anything else.)
15. Glass Corn on the Cob Dildo
Okay, there’s almost too much to cover here. Like: why is it only 6”? Why does it only cost $12? And also: WHY? This seems like a great joke-gift, but be careful not to give this to the wrong person, because they’ll set it out in a bowl with other fake fruit on the kitchen counter, and you’ll never be able to visit that family member’s home again without bursting out laughing. In that, it might just be the gift that keeps on giving.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen