5. The Smoking Gun

For any home chef who likes to blow a lot of smoke, it's a lot easier with The Smoking Gun handheld food smoker. This intriguing kitchen gadget is supposed to quickly add smoke flavor to foods and drinks (think smoked pineapple slice garnishes for fancy cocktails) or make a roasted chicken taste like a smoker-cooked chicken without a smoker, or several long hours of waiting. The real beauty part of this holiday gift is that it uses small amounts of wood chips, teas, herbs or spices (or maybe shredded newspaper or barn straw if you wanna get creative) to generate the smoldering flavors and it runs on four AA batteries.

And really, when was the last time you got someone a gift this awesome that ran on batteries?

4. The Gold Swarovski Tumbler from Starbucks

For everyone well-heeled enough to afford the now-sold-out $200 Starbucks holiday sterling silver keychain/gift card, don't shed any ritzy tears, because you can still buy the shiny shit out of the Starbucks 2014 holiday tumbler. It holds 16 ounces of skinny vanilla latte and comes in a wooden gift box -- and that's not all! This stainless steel coffee holder is gold toned and decorated with a band of genuine Swarovski crystals, for the Buckies addict who really likes to impress themselves -- and other people.

The holiday tumbler will only set you back about $110, which is like what, five or six lattes at Starbucks?

3. The Condom Cookbook

You know what you can totally use condoms for this holiday season? You guessed it: cooking things in them. What better way to show your family and friends that you are super-into the giving spirit by sharing the compelling e-book Tsukutte Agetai Condomu Gohan, which translates to English as Condom Meals I Want To Make For You. This handy recipe book will guide you in to making edible, socially-aware creations such as condom cookies, condom escargot, and condom meat stuffing -- an obvious choice for your first recipe. The cookbook is geared toward presenting safer sex practices through awareness and humor; the condom curry pilaf sounds like a winner-winner, phallic dinner.

Christmas family dinner could be a whole 'nother thing with a few suspiciously oblong meat entrees. If Grandma's appetite isn't huge, tell her to just eat the tip.

For more badass foodie Xmas gifts, read on.

2. App-Controlled Smart Baking Set

Oh, you'd best believe that there really IS an app for everything, even teaching people to bake muffins. The helpful folks at Vat19 are offering a $70 getup called The Perfect Bake, which includes a digital scale that plugs into the headphone holes on your phone or tablet to visually guide noob bakers into measuring ingredients accurately. The kit also includes color-coded mixing bowls, a tablet stand and an oven thermometer. All you need to do is add things to the bowl, measured by weight rather than volume, and the clever device beeps to tell you when to stop adding stuff.

With this new smart-bake device, the holiday baking season is now app-tastic, so this would make the finest of gifts for kids, dumbfucks, or anyone who just wants to make strudel with their phones.

1. Sriracha2Go

For anyone who cooks, or eats, Sriracha is culinary equivalent of Chanel No. 5 (or Avon, depending on who you ask). Either way, that tangy red chile sauce seems to be on everyone's table, but if only there was a convenient, compact and highly fashionable way to take the beloved condiment with you everywhere you go. This is where Sriracha2Go makes its 2014 holiday debut. This diminutive key chain Sriracha bottle is literally the best idea since cock sauce was created. It's a 1.25 ounce refillable baby Sriracha bottle that hooks easily to a key chain, and it's small enough to fit in a pocket, purse, car cup holder or traveling armpit.

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Sriracha2Go is not an official product of Huy Fong Foods, sadly, but who cares? Because the warm fuzzy feels derived from squirting cock sauce out of a tiny bottle on to a gas station burrito is what the holidays are all about.