Weird Food News

"Wanna hold my whopper" was good, but here are ten other things a pervert could say in a drive-thru

Wanna hold my Whopper?

That line, or a close facsimile of it, is what a masturbating Longmont man allegedly told a hapless Burger King employee yesterday as he pulled up to the drive-thru window.

Although it wasn't very creative, it was certainly straightforward when it comes to fast-food penis puns -- and it will likely change the way we think about the famous sandwich.

But Richard Troupe, who was arrested and charged with the crime (police say he wasn't wearing pants and was masturbating when he visited Burger King) could have come up with something better, depending on the fast-food joint.

Here are ten other lines he could have used:

My roast beef tastes better if it's roasted slowly.

Do I want the special sauce? I was about to ask you the same thing.

Wanna do it my way?

Here's the beef.

My chicken nuggets are extra spicy.

Can I think outside your buns?

Say hello to my beefy crunch burrito.

No, that's not a Chalupa in my pants. I'm just happy to see you.

Any foot-long. Five dollars.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge.

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Jonathan Shikes is a Denver native who writes about business and beer for Westword.
Contact: Jonathan Shikes