The Nutcracker in 3D is this week’s most ridiculous movie trailer

There’s nothing Hollywood loves more than taking a universally beloved story or concept and remaking it — after all, what’s a more surefire moneymaking bet than something that’s already proven to be universally beloved? In that remake process, these five steps are generally observed: 1. Strip the story or concept down to its bare bones. 2. Remove or ignore everything that originally made it special. 3. Add a shitload of CGI. 4. Throw in a bunch of flashing lights and crank the volume up to eleven. 5. Stab it in its cold, dead soul.

Hey, you guys remember the storyline of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker? No? Exactly. That’s because the storyline of the ballet was largely hallucinatory and incoherent — something about a toymaker and a mouse king and a sugarplum fairy and a handsome prince — and more importantly, it’s incidental. Nobody goes to see The Nutcracker for a good yarn. We go to see it for the beautiful choreography and Tchaikovsky’s iconic score.

And so it is that the most ridiculous moment of this trailer comes at about 1:27, when the screen flashes this little tidbit: “Based on the story and music by Tchaikovsky.” If you are astute, you’ll observe that the music of Tchaikovsky is actually absent here; so, for that matter, is any kind of ballet whatsoever. But hey, we do get a lot of bells and whistles and special effects, and a storyline that is, well, still pretty much hallucinatory and incoherent.

Oh, and it’s in 3D, which is one of the best indicators around right now that a movie is going to suck — it’s the glitter Hollywood throws on only the worst turds it shits out. Because if it has absolutely no other redeeming value, by God, at least it’ll sparkle.