Early this month, we learned that Guy Fieri was casting for the second season of his new TV show, and we realized we forgot something: Guy has a new TV show! Guy has a new TV show much of the time, but it's not like us to simply ignore a show called Guy's Grocery Games. In the show, Guy throws a bunch of people into his grocery store and they fight their way out. Do we really need to recap it?* The Food Network describes it better than anyone:
In the first game, the chefs take a mad dash to the produce section to make a gourmet salad, but all the leafy greens are Out of Stock! Then, coupons and quick thinking come in handy during a Budget Battle ...
Was it Off the Hook®? A bit, but it was not off of the hook enough. It was like it was still hanging from the hook, from one of the barbs on the hook. We think it needed more Guy. Let him off the leash (hook), Brooke Johnson, president, Food Category!
Here are 50 things** that we hope to see in the second season of Guy's Grocery Games.
1. Guy drives in on a shopping cart.
2. Guy asks the contestants if they'd like to hear a couple bass lines he wrote that morning.
3. Guy unveils a sunglasses tree and asks everybody to choose a pair.
4. Guy hands out complimentary daiquiris to the contestants, trying not to spill them.
5. Guy does five minutes on the proper method to bag groceries, starting calm and ending furious.
6. Guy invites some dogs into the store.
7. Guy introduces the store's tattooist.
8. Guy invites the members of Van Halen inside to shop for the week.
9. Guy points to the Vienna Sausages in a contestant's cart and says, "That's my 1993 right there."
10. Guy takes a call to go over some new adjectives with his menuist.
11. Guy asks Jesse James to make him a shopping cart.
12. Guy shows Jesse James the schematics of his shopping cart.
13. Jesse James makes Guy his shopping cart.
14. Guy invites guest host Emeril Lagasse to stand in aisle three asking if contestants want a little more garlic bam!
15. Guy invites guest host Anthony Bourdain to teach children how to fry sweetbreads over a Sterno can in aisle seven.
16. Guy sits in a recliner and watches Happy Days after the first challenge.
17. Guy hints that aisle five contains a sinkhole.
18. Guy tells the contestants they have only 18 seconds to cook.
19. Guy says that aisle three is now part of ABC's Wipeout.
20. Guy introduces Gordon Ramsay, who is on fire near the meat section.
21. Before using a signature catchphrase, Guy gives the contestants a pop quiz to guess which signature catchphrase he's going to use:
- A. "On like Donkey Kong"
- B. "That's Off the Hook"
- C. "Real Deal Holyfield"
- D. "Love, Peace, and Taco Grease"
22. Guy always goes with A.
23. Guy and Charlie Rose sit on stools to discuss the infamous New York Times review.
24. Guy and Charlie Rose fall off their stools.
25. Guy switches to French for the second half of the show.
26. Guy asks if anyone wants to jam on the loading dock after the show.
27. Guy calls up Matthew McConaughey and puts him on speakerphone.
28. Guy swears he knows the best way to open a jar of pickles.
29. Guy cries, but only a little.
30. Guy stacks melons.
31. When the contestants are cooking, Guy films the pilot to another show.
32. A bag of cotton candy and a bottle of aspirin give Guy an idea for a new signature drink.
33. Guy asks everyone to hold on a sec while he starts a motorcycle.
34. Guy tosses the runner-up one of his pinkie rings.
35. Guy asks the contestants what they think of stretched earlobes.
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36. Guy asks the contestants to remind him to call his mother.
37. Guy gives the winner the upside-down sunglasses off the back of his neck.
* We did not really watch Guy's Grocery Games.
** We stopped at 37.