In one of the most ridiculous overstatements since Michael Bay got compared to an "abstract artist," Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino offered this analogy on Friday, explaining to the E! Network why he'd be leaving The Jersey Shore after next season: "It's like Michael Jordan. There's only so long you can keep winning them rings." Despite his failure to ever win any ring, the Sitch went on to tell E! that his plan was to "graduate to movies." Just on a side note, there were a lot of people named Michael in this paragraph.
Anyway, although the Sitch has no demonstrable talent for acting, it's well known that the ability to act is not a requirement for Hollywood actors. With that in mind, here are five roles the Situation could easily have filled.
5. A.J. (Hayden Christensen) in Takers When it comes to Hollywood movies primarily about black people, stunt-casting at least one hip-hop artist is pretty much mandatory at this point. Consider the case of Takers, which features Chris Brown in a performance just a hair above porno acting and T.I. Harris more or less interpreting a piece of wood. The only question is, why bother casting real actors at all? Hayden Christensen's role as a token white guy (so the cast is multi-racial) who wears a silly hat could have just as easily been taken by the Sitch, a tanner-than-usual white guy with silly hair. 4. Bucky (Jason Mewes) in Big Money Rustlas Just as Jason Mewes will forever be known to the world as Jay, the loudmouthed, mildly retarded-seeming foil to Silent Bob, Mike Sorrentino will forever be known to the world as the Situation, the loudmouth, mildly retarded-seeming foil to...well, they all seem kind of loudmouthed and mildly retarded. Whatever the case, ICP's Big Money Rustlas (the unwished-for prequel to ICP's Big Money Hustlas) needed a recognizable name in the role, and the Sitch would've done just as well, plus saved Mewes some embarrassment. Because there's kind of a special place in our heart for Jay. 3. Luke Katcher (Rick Malambri) in Step Up 3D In Step Up 3D, Rick Malimbri has three basic tasks: 1. Deliver lines in a stilted fashion. 2. Have some ripping-ass abs. 3. Actually, there's only two. Assuming he's capable of delivering lines besides the ones that spontaneously come out of his mouth, the Sitch is perfectly capable of handling this role. Then again, even if he's not, you could put him in the role anyway, just saying whatever thing happens to pop into his head. Which would actually probably make for a better movie. 2. Dog Show Judge #2 (French Stewart) in Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 More likely than a leading role for the Sitch, though, will be the fate eventually visited on every D-list star who was once famous for doing a thing that is no longer relevant: bit parts in awful, unspeakable direct-to-DVD sequels of movies that were awful and unspeakable the first time around, like this one from French Stewart, better known as that one wacky guy from Third Rock From the Sun. Welcome to the world of struggling to recapture that one shining moment of fame, Sitch -- abandon your dignity now, while you... well, never mind. 1. Sam Naussbaum (Andrew Dickler) in Douchebag Sam is the douchebag. It would make the movie worse, sure (and the movie is actually not half bad), but it's hard to think of a more fitting role.
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