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What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, December 13-19

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Today, we stand on the very precipice of the granddaddy of all yearly holidays: Next week brings Christmas day, with New Year's Eve and Day close on its heels -- at no other point during the year do we get so much time off for no reason. It's a special time, a time of family, a time of commerce and, most of all, a time of excessive drinking -- and isn't that what America is all about? Happily, it turns out that there's no better week to celebrate the relentless gluttony we call the American way than this week, with a number of more obscure -- but no less drinking-worthy -- holidays devoted to the our great nation.

Wednesday is Bill of Rights day, marking the 219th anniversary of the ratification of that great document, which does a lot of things, but mostly protects our sacred right to amass a shitload of guns and say really obnoxious things just for the sake of saying them. Celebrate it by continuing to sit right here if you got a mind to, because I guess it's a free country and there ain't no law 'bout where folks can it or not.

That great American celebration gets a strong follow-up on Thursday with the 232nd anniversary of the Boston Tea Party, when a brave group of patriotic individuals dumped a bunch of England's tea into the Boston Harbor, because, let's face it: Tea is gay. Today, we have those august forefathers to thank for the Tea Party movement, another group of patriotic individuals dedicated to the struggle against things that are gay-seeming.

And Saturday brings even more constitution-related party fodder with the 155th anniversary of the ratification of the 14th amendment, which abolished slavery and forms of indentured servitude -- basically, it's the amendment that allows you to max out your 25 credit cards and default on your mortgage, and then declare bankruptcy and not have any major consequences! What could possibly be more American than that?

So get out there and buy a bottle of liquor you can't afford -- for the economy, and because reckless hedonism is the very foundation of what makes our society great.

USA! USA!

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