As I walked up to the bar at the Stockyard Inn, I heard a guy ask the bartender, “Do you have anything on special?” She smiled, put her tattooed arms on her hips, pushed out her chest and replied, “You’re lookin’ at it, sugar.” It was a scene straight out…
Patrick Lawler should be awarded the Nobel Prize for medicine. For those of you who live in a cellar or are purists who won’t watch anything on a TV smaller than 42 inches, Mr. Lawler is the gentleman who proved to the world that hangovers are caused by huge nails…
The sign above the Thin Man’s bar warned: “Drunkenness prohibited.” That appealed to the rule-breaker in me, so…game on! I ordered the first thing I saw on the blackboard, the Crystal Snooker ($5.50), made with homemade cinnamon vodka and half sour mix, half ginger ale. This cocktail had definite potential…
There’s no doubt in my mind that God created beer. How else can you explain many of the world’s greatest accomplishments? Without beer, we wouldn’t have professional sports, much less overlapping schedules that allow us to watch the World Series and college football on the same day. Without beer, there…
My friend Matt was bragging about what a fabulous bowler he is, crediting his Polish heritage for his prowess. Yeah, bowling was fine, I told him, but what about a more practical ethnic legacy, like a thorough knowledge of Polish vodka? Rising to the challenge, Matt insisted we go to…
Every once in a while you find yourself sitting on your couch at nine at night with a couple of guys, and you realize that you’re all too drunk to do much besides sit on a couch — but you can’t stay there any longer because the football game’s over…
Tyler Wiard, executive chef at Mel’s, learned of the fire at the salon next door when one of the line cooks called on the morning of December 20 and said, “Uh, I don’t think we’re working today.” When Wiard was finally able to get into the restaurant days later, it…
I never liked CHiPs, the cop show with Erik Estrada and that dumb blond guy. As you may recall, it featured high-speed chases, spectacular motorcycle crashes, spectacular California women and Estrada’s blinding smile, starring his impossibly large white teeth. Ever since the TV networks have moved on to more grisly…
Black Russian Stewart’s 1899 Saloon VFW Post #1 955 Bannock Street 303-571-5659 As we walked into Stewart’s, one of the many older men at the bar turned around and said, “The girls are here. What kind of music do you girls like?” I hoped this was a rhetorical question, since…
Forget the Fourth of July. New Year’s Eve is responsible for more explosive events than any other day of the year. On December 31, the best relationship can detonate under the must-have-the-most-meaningful-time-ever pressures; a simple drive to the mountains can burst in a collision with a junior-varsity drinker. Fortunately, you…
Sometimes just a small, evil influence can tip a night over to the Dark Side. And while the Dark Side may appear more powerful, a bar will not hesitate to throw Darth Vader — or anyone associated with him — out of the place at the drop of a hat…
‘Tis the season to drink hot toddies, fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I love the holiday season, and Larimer Square has always been one of my favorite places to get in the spirit. It’s at the epicenter of my winter memories: When I was a kid,…
For the record, I want to state that Vail Resorts’ big loss in its first quarter had nothing to do with my being there a few weeks ago. In fact, I’m pretty sure that had the Head of Drinking Regrets and I visited a few days earlier, Vail would have…
I became a fan of Williams Tavern the moment I saw the piece of paper hanging on a wall reading “Any tab left open will be closed and a 20% gratuity will be added.” That simple sign told me a number of things about the bar: 1. It’s had its…
Thank God there’s just over a week left until Christmas. The spirit has been beaten out of me by all the forced cheer on television and KOSI 101, in print ads and Internet pop-ups, at the Department of Commerce and even in my own holiday traditions. Don’t get me wrong:…
Tax audits, invasive surgery, DIA over the holidays. Sadly, although people try to avoid such horrors at all costs, it’s impossible. On my last trip to DIA, I stood in line for what seemed like a lifetime, only to have Mr. TSA ask me to take off my belt, shoes…
It’s that time of year when people walk around with a fearful look in their eyes, knowing they have only fifteen shopping days left until Christmas, will go to hell if they don’t get everyone the perfect gift and, worse, will never have sex again if they fail to find…
As I recall, the first place I used my fake ID was Marlowe’s. When you’re a teen, you’re either ignorant of the consequences of using a fake ID (jail, fines, etc.) or dim-witted enough that you don’t care about them. I was both. My faux ID was so bogus it…
Now, at 96 hours post-drunk, we have located the missing members of the Institute of Drinking Studies and pieced together most of what happened the other night. It started with the Head of Drinking Regrets and myself planning a simple evening of movies and sports on TV, with maybe a…
I love the irony of a place that’s called La Fiesta Supper Club only being open for weekday lunches — and from just 11 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. at that. My sources tell me that back in the day, La Fiesta was a real supper club (and before that, a…
Walking into Elway’s, I couldn’t help but recall one of my favorite expressions: “There’s only one ŒI’ in Œteam,’ but there are two in Œmartini.'” So I went right to the bar and ordered a Pomegranate Cosmo Martini ($8) made with Absolut Citron, POM Wonderful pomegranate juice and triple sec…
“You’ve got to try Fernet-Branca; it’s my new favorite drink,” said Ryan O’Brien, the knowledgeable, solicitous and darling bartender at Barolo Grill. “I’ve heard Sean Penn orders it by the case.” When my medical doctor prescribes drugs, I take them. So when my drink doctor gave his prescription, I drank…
