Lost and Found in Oakland

Newsflash! Denver Post photographer John Leyba has found the missing retarded half-brother of actor Sean Penn and he’s playing for the Denver Broncos! Oh, no, wait. That’s just quarterback Jay Cutler getting his face rearranged by the Raiders during yesterday’s retarded loss in Oakland. You may carry on with your…

On the Road Woes with the Broncos

Don’t fault Todd Sauerbraun for the Bronco’s heartbreaking loss to the Chicago Bears. Don’t put it on Dre Bly or the defense, or even give the credit to Devin Hester and his ridiculousness. No, when you spin the wheel of blame for the Sunday’s calamitous collapse, the needle will come…

This Day In Colorado Rockies History

It’s a strange day for Rockies fans. Our delegation to the House of Representatives in D.C., upon hearing that the Massachusetts delegation had introduced a resolution honoring the Boston Red Sox, decided they would draft their own touchy-feely, this-land-is-your-land-this-land-is-my-land, version of orange slices and group hugs after a little-league loss…

Broncos Better For Being Worse

You can call the Broncos’ season at the midway point at lot of things, but boring isn’t one of them. Boring? That’s going 10-6, finishing as a Wild Card team and getting eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. With our craptastic division, this team could still do that…

Would You Cut John Elway Off At Your Bar?

Watching the press conference where John Elway announced his retirement in 1998, I turned to a friend of mine to see he had tears streaming down his face. That is the only time I ever saw him cry, before or since. Not even when I kneed him in the junk…

The Nuggets’ Fight of Fancy

At the opening tip-off of tonight’s basketball game at Madison Square Garden, don’t be surprised if you hear the ding of a bell instead of the blow of a whistle. The Denver Thuggetz vs. the New York Knickerboxers. This time it’s personal…

NFL Midseason Update

Somewhere in the not too distant future, the Department of Homeland Security will be able to ferret out terrorists based only on a series of questions about the NFL. Consider this: Last month’s Patriots-Cowboys game drew 30 million viewers, making it not only the most watched sporting event of the…

The Red Sox Are Right Where We Want ‘Em

Ah, yes, I remember now: that’s what it feels like to lose. It had been so long since the Rockies had dropped even one game – much less two in a row – I had forgotten the word for that queasy, tingling sensation that surfaces up from the top of…

Game One: Yeesh.

The first game of the 2007 World Series between the Boston Red Sox and YOUR Colorado Rockies started perfectly: With Fox’s Jeanne Zelasko giving Eric Byrnes shit for being a loud-mouthed douchenozzle. Byrnes committed the first broadcasting boner of the evening — and not the last — when he said…

Don’t Cry For Me, Colorado

I’m telling you right now, I’m not going to cry at the end of the World Series. No matter how it turns out. Sure, if the Rockies win I’ll be doing my silly celebration dance (which makes Jonathan Papelbon’s Riverdance look sane), and screaming wildly and jumping up and down…

Confessions of a Red Sox fan

In this space yesterday, I vigorously defended my fellow Red Sox fans’ honor against unfounded snipes by over-eager Rockies fans. The Red Sox are not the evil empire, I argued. Sure, we get a little crazy, a little annoying, but that’s love and it’s beautiful. Don’t hate us because we’re…

Rocktober Becomes C***tober

Dear Superbad-Watching Westword Reader, Thank you for your letter to the editor, which arrived with our mail today. However, due to our letters policy we can only print letters that are no more than 200 words. This letter is worth at least 1,000 and will therefore have to be edited…

Have the Red Sox become the Evil Empire?

They’ve paid $140 million and then some for their team. When they travel to other parks since they erased the curse of the Bambino in 2004, bandwagon fans make up anywhere from a third to half of the crowd. Even when their team isn’t playing, you can find Sox fans…

The Broncos Reversal of Misfortune

Javon Walker is getting his knee suctioned out today. Starting offensive linemen Tom Nalen and Ben Hamilton, as well as tight ends Stephen Alexander and Nate Jackson, are finished for the year. Travis Henry awkwardly awaits appeal on a suspension that could end his season, and possibly his tenure in…

Sports Town USA Sippin’ on Some Sizzur

With the Rockies in the World Series (it still feels weird to type that) and the Broncos two last second field goals from 0-5, Denver’s sports hierarchy is in disarray. But lost somewhere between the praise and the panic are the Colorado Avalanche and the Denver Nuggets, the two teams…

The Ultimate Rockies Fan: Does Such a Thing Exist?

Let the national media and every blogspot pundit list the reasons why Rockies fans don’t deserve the sheer elation we’re experiencing at the moment. Let them say the Simpsons has been around longer than our beloved team. Let them opine that Denver has no home-grown fanbase because the town is…

Visions of the Rockies’ Future

Here’s my impression of you begging me to write a blog about the Colorado Rockies: Adam, everyone is writing so much about the Rockies we really want to hear your perspective! We remember you championing them in print long ago this season; also, we remember your many tales about supporting…

All Bets Are Off

After September 11, I told everyone I knew to invenst in defense stocks. I had no cash at the time. Google and Chipotle both had IPOs that I knew would hit huge. I had no money at the time that I didn’t spend on beer and Mexican food. I knew…

How The Colorado Rockies Became America’s Team

This is how the Rockies win the National League pennant. With class. No chest-beating, no trash-talking, no tear-them-down-to-get-us-going stuff. Just baseball. And teamwork. And no small bit of heart. And I know that’s just stuff that writers write about teams who win. Sometimes, it’s even true. For the Rockies, for…

My Gift to You, Rockies Fans

What could be more surprising than the Rockies being in the World Series? Paris Hilton joining a nunnery? O.J. Simpson admitting that he not only killed his wife but also JonBenet Ramsey? Dick Cheney showing up at a session of Congress wearing a turban? Whatever your answer, the Rockies made…

Babeball Fandom 101

To all those who’ve been rallying around the Rockies’ mythical performance, I have to hand it to you. Maybe even give you a pat on the head. Nice job. Really. You’re cute. You see, I’m a Red Sox fan. Not even a top-echelon fanatic; a minor devotee in the cult…