Why are Mexican porta-potties so graphic?

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans at construction sites always draw a dick and vagina on the interiors of porta-potties? They sure are not as poetic as they are artistic. Then you’ve got the white boy reply, “Here I sit, flexing a…” You should know the rest. Original Schreck in Houston…

Weighing Sonia Sotomayor’s Latina cred

Dear Mexican: The mainstream media is making a big noise over Sonia Sotomayor likely being the first Latina Supreme Court justice, and that all Latinos should be proud. But Puerto Rican ain’t Mexican! The Supreme Court won’t have a shade of brown until a Mexican is sitting with Roberts and…

For a Mexican, better late than never

Dear Mexican: How can I get Mexicans to arrive at a meeting ON TIME? Punctual Pete Dear Gabacho: Tell them you’re offering green cards on a first-come, first-served basis. And then diles a gabachos to eliminate the concept of arriving “fashionably late,” the way they did the Polish joke. Dear…

A Rosita by any other name…

Dear Mexican: Why is it that ever since the U.S./California let you people immigrate, tunnel, weasel or whatever into this country, nothing good has happened and/or come from it? California’s welfare program is burdened with low-life Hispanics. The prison system is 70 percent Hispanic, 45 percent gang-based. Real-estate values have…

Why do so many Mexicans love black culture?

Dear Mexican: Looking back recently on my distant youth in northwest Ohio, I came to the realization that the sweetest, most beautiful girl this gabacho ever went out with (indeed, in my entire senior class) was the pure-blooded daughter of Mexican immigrants. Am I under the sway of 1) simple…

Por que do you deny your Mexican heritage, Senor Disney?

Dear Mexican: You once asked why Mexican bands don’t hit it big in the good old U.S. of A. I think the simple answer is that there are no Mexican Mouseketeers. You don’t get to be Justin Timberlake by picking a guitarrón. Slater from Saved by the Bell doesn’t count…

A look at those who’ve crossed over

Dear Mexican: I write to you with a doubt similar to the one that Incensed in Chicago felt a couple of weeks ago, when her friend couldn’t believe that Mexicans worked in professional, white-collar jobs. I live in Tijuana, and of the gabachos who put roots here, you can’t find…

Survey says: Domestic violence doesn’t play favorites

Dear Mexican: I was riding the local light rail when two female Mexicans sat down and started talking rapid-fire Spanish non-stop for 45 minutes! It seemed as if neither one stopped to take a breath of air. They were loud and could be heard the length of the train. Question:…

The Mexican is always packing heat

Dear Mexican: I am a Chicano in Connecticut. I moved from Arizona to the East Coast for my dream job. I have to admit that I’m still homesick. Connecticut is a completely different world. To sum it up in one phrase, vale madre. It took a while for me to…

Argh! Did Mexican pirates all walk the plank?

Dear Mexican: My wife and I have an argument going about pirates. And since you are the source for all things Mexican, I’d thought I’d ask: While I know there were Spanish and Portuguese pirates back in the early 1600s and 1700s, were there ever any Mexican pirates? Not pirates…

Wherefore art thou, Old Mexico?

Dear Mexican: My wife is from Michoacán state. We’ve bought a home in the small town of her birth. I love everything about the quiet little place. Even her mother is kind to me, as if I were her son. The food is incredibly good. The puerco is killed that…

Swine flu has got Know Nothings at a fever pitch

Dear Mexican: Is it true that most Mexicans are carriers of the swine flu due to the fact they eat a lot of chicharrones, or is it the fact that your women are so pig-like? I knew that Mexicans have muy shitty diets, but now we have to worry about…

Request these songs while you drinko por Cinco

Dear Readers: As you drinko por Cinco on May 5, please hold on to this column listing songs that mariachis will gladly play instead of having to glumly strum through the umpteenth “La Bamba” and “Guantanamera.” The following eclectic choices (and reasoning) came from hundreds of suggestions submitted by wabs…

Who says Mexicans have to eat Mexican food?

Dear Mexican: In an earlier column, you mentioned that conservatives can’t have an argument against illegal immigration without it degenerating into a diatribe against culture. Here’s an argument that has nothing to do with culture. In California, we now have a severe water shortage. I work for a municipal water…

Word of the week: Caramba!

Dear Mexican: For as long as I can remember, Mexicans were known for doing three things: Drinking lots of cerveza, having lots of niños, and saying “¡Ay, caramba!” While I can vouch for the first two, I’ve never, ever personally heard a Mexican utter those famous two words. Is this…

How to navigate those pesky mariachis

Dear Mexican: Why are Mexicans so proud of the brutality of their police force? They seem to glamorize it in all their music and telenovelas. Batons Are Bats, or Super Oracles Dear BABOSO: I’ll let you know when Dirty Harry, Detective Sipowicz, Chief Wiggum and the producers of COPS get…

Pink underwear in the pen

Dear Mexican: Not sure if this has been asked before, but how do you feel about Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio? I think the guy’s a fucking racist who’s just out to get Mexicans to fulfill his racist agenda. He’s been relevant lately due to the protests in Arizona against Section…

The meaning of this curse word is all over the map

Dear Readers: Many of ustedes offered alternate meanings to the Mexican Spanish vulgarity pinche, beyond “cooking assistant” and “fucking in the adverbial sense.” From our Puerto Rican brothers: In Puerto Rico, pinche is simply the term used for a wooden clothespin. There is no negative connotation of the word on…

There’s no law against the word “illegal”

Dear Mexican: I believe that the words people use to describe other people, intentionally or unintentionally, reflect their political values. But I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. You described César Chávez as hating “illegals” in a previous column, and as being ethnocentric early in his career…