Dear Mexican: I’m perplexed. I just saw a middle-aged wab wearing tight pink stretch pants with the phrase “Pink Taco” emblazoned across her misshapen buttocks. In my experience, Mexicans of the Mexico-born variety seem to wear a lot of clothes with odd/tacky slogans. My question is simple: Do wabs know…
Dear Mexican: I have a major crush on a worker with the Mexican Consulate aquí en Tucson. But I fear that, like two star-crossed lovers, we’re destined for doom. I’m a gabacha yaktivist and against governments in general. He represents the PAN or PRD or PRI or whatever Mexican political…
Dear Mexican: I grew up with Mexicans who stole things just to steal. As an adult, I see much of the same behavior from adult Mexicans and their children. And I don’t mean just the poor Mexicans. Why is it in their nature for Mexicans to steal? Larcenous Lester Dear…
Dear Mexican: Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger keep putting his foot in his mouth and talking smack about Mexicans? To my understanding, his wife Maria is of Mexican descent. He’s not only humiliating nuestra raza, but his wife, too. Deep Sea Angler Dear Wab: You’re confusing your degenerate Catholics, cabrón: Maria…
Dear Readers: Muchos comments about my February 1 column regarding Mexican names morphing into seemingly wacky nicknames — Nini from Alejandrina, say, or Chely from Araceli. I wrote that such changes occurred thanks to linguistic laws; some of you had other theories. Here’s what a Chicano Studies professor at East…
Dear Mexican: Why can’t I get a Mexican woman to swallow my cream? Curious Jorge Dear Mexican: Why don’t Mexican girls swallow? My girlfriend is Mexican and she gives great head, but at the penultimate moment, she chokes and spits. Gross! So, she won’t fuck because she wants to be…
Dear Mexican: I want to know why Mexicans have such incongruous nicknames. In English, people have nicknames that have some relation to their given names — for example, Kenny is the nickname for Kenneth, and Jenny for Jennifer. Granted, there are some nicknames that seem like a stretch of logic,…
Dear Mexican: This November, a trusted employee of mine came out about his status as an illegal immigrant. Our big-box retail conglomerate’s policy clearly spells out the termination of my employment should I fail to report such an offense, but I love the mojado to death. He’s loyal, punctual and…
Dear Mexican: I’m a sixty-year-old Chicano and proud. Why do young Chicanos keep imitating blacks? They dress like blacks, talk like blacks, listen to black music and hang with blacks. Aren’t they proud of their own culture? Why don’t they embrace Hispanic ways and learn about Hispanic history? Say It…
Dear Mexican: Why do non-Mexicans consider it a compliment when they tell Mexicans they don’t look Mexican? I am 100 percent Mexican (5’7″, with black hair, brown eyes and olive skin) and ever since I left my home town of El Paso, I’ve been subjected to this backhanded compliment. No…
Dear Mexican: How did the patron saint of México get a name derived from Arabic? El Moro Judío Dear Jewish Moor: You’re referring to the Virgin of Guadalupe, the brown-skinned apparition of the Virgin Mary whom tradition says appeared before the Aztec peasant Juan Diego in December 1531, just outside…
Dear Readers: The Mexican is inside a trunk, trying to sneak back into the United States after the holiday. In the meantime, here are some golden oldies: Dear Mexican: A friend of mine calls Mexicans “wabs,” but being a menso, he doesn’t even know what it means — except that…
Dear Mexican: I’m a Spanish-language student struggling with tenses and the gender of nouns. The other day, some friends and I were discussing street slang, and the word verga (penis) came up (no pun intended). It occurred to me that the definitive symbol of masculinity ends in the feminine -a…
Dear Mexican: It seems that whenever Chicano professors want to show off their mexicanidad, they wear a guayabera. In fact, I saw a picture of you in the Los Angeles Times donning the shirt, along with Dickies pants and Converse All Stars. How trite and bourgeois! You go to a…
Dear Mexican: I was flipping through television when I noticed the Spanish-language channel showing a man in a red suit with yellow pants, antennae on his head and a heart with the letters “CH” on his chest. It appeared to be a sitcom, and all the characters related to the…
Dear Mexican: Man, did you make me laugh with “leprecanos.” I never had more fun on Cinco de Mayo than I did in 1974 in a Cambridge, Massachusetts, Mick bar called the Plough and Stars. After that night, I was hooked on redheads and Jameson. I barely had to buy…
Dear Mexican: Can you tell me the meaning of the word aguacate? All I know about this delicious fruit is that it originated on this continent. Guacamole Man Dear Gabacho: Aguacate is the Spanish word for “avocado,” but its Nahuatl meaning is more rustic: balls. According to Ana María de…
Dear Mexican: My fiancé is trying to learn Spanish so he can speak to my grandmother when we get married next month. Lately he’s been listening to CNN en Español to get an ear for the language. After several weeks of watching the channel, he noticed that there are always…
Dear Mexican: Not long ago, I attended a Los Tigres del Norte concert at a small hall. The people attending were supposed to sit down and enjoy the music. Five minutes into it, these jumping beans started dancing in the aisle. Within minutes, half of them were going up and…
Dear Mexican: A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men will go down on their ladies. I don’t believe that. Can you “spread” some light on the subject? El Gabacho Guapo Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend’s argument by referring…
Dear Mexican: It’s hard out here for a brotha! First we had to deal with those pieces of shit called the KKK and their supporters. Now we have to deal with the freakin’ Mexican invasion. Now I see why whites fretted over seeing their neighborhoods turn dark when Cleophus and…
Dear Mexican: I have very, very light skin because of my Scandinavian heritage. Around Halloween, someone asked me if it was white-face makeup. Why is it that Mexican men find my pallor so fascinating? Fair Maiden Dear Gabacha: BECAUSE YOU’RE WHITE. Mexicans love gabachos even though you’ve fucked our country…
